Ever since my holiday in Japan, where my backside experienced pampering in all sorts of ways, I have grown increasingly aware of the inferiority of the Common Toilet and its frigid, fragile, flimsy construction. Cold plastic, against my bum cheeks, in winter? Please.
This awareness was compounded by the events of the last 18 months, during which I have learned a difficult and enlightening lesson – that one cannot simply take for granted the perennial availability of toilet paper.
The coarse, fibrous nature of public restroom toilet papers have, indeed, rubbed me in the wrong way more times than I would care to admit; it seemed rather jarring that, in a time when everyone was concerned about personal hygiene, we were still traversing our buttholes with nary but a film-thin plant-based barrier between the tips of our fingers and the gaping maws of Cthulhu.
Even while taking care of business at home, I could not help but notice that – being a twice-a-day number-two-taker myself – I was burning through toilet paper at a rate that would put the lumber conglomerates carving though the Amazon to shame. This was ridiculous, I thought – there would be no need for this barbarism, for this finger-Cthulhu adjacency, if I could just employ a device that, not only provided heated comfort for my poo-fort, but also eliminated the need for Lovecraftian horror every time I partook in takeaway curry.
In these harsh times, a bidet is no less than a font of deliverance. Not since humanity first learned to walk on two legs have their limbs been liberated to such an extent. With a bidet, when you browse Reddit on the toilet, you no longer need to worry about cross-contaminating the shit online with the shit offline. Your hands are freed, and your mind with them.
With the press of a button, you imbibe refreshment through your posterior orifice with calibrated efficiency. No more daring the abyss. No more relying on the consistency of a plant-corpse for your hygiene. You are the master of your own fate now. Let the cleanliness flow through you; purified you shall be of the taint of the world and the taint on your body.
With an additional button press, a tropical breeze shall dehumidify the Chasm of Endless Night with the power of science and ingenuity. There is no need to wipe – unless, of course, you still harbour lingering doubts about that which you have already let go.
What is the Common Toilet, compared to the bidet? It is nothing. It is less than nothing. It is a shackle around the feet of human progress.
Set yourself free, and by the glory of the bidet you shall embrace all that is good in the world with hands sanctified and pristine, as I do now.
Julian's Blog 