How To Behave When Surrounded By Asians

Being Asian, walking the streets of a quaint little backwater Australian town that idolizes shiny steel balls and a nightlife that consists of getting drunk in a variety of faux-European settings, has always been an apprehensive experience.

It is hard to put into words what this experience is like, let alone describe it to those who inexplicably enjoy their nightly traipses along the same exact road, visiting the same exact shops, ordering the same exact decaf soy latte. Objectively, there isn’t that much to complain about. Whatever ethnic group one belongs to, it is easy to have a fun night out, quickly forget about the dozen homeless they’ve passed by, and return home at 7am reasonably satisfied.

That is, until one leaves this bubbled sanctuary and walks the streets of Shanghai, where it is not scantily-clad white girls that roam the streets half-pissed, but hot Asian women. It is difficult, then, to pretend that anyone, no matter how socially lubricated, can belong equally to both places.

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Anecdotal evidence suggests it is not easy being a western foreigner in an Asian country. Predatory street-vendors, unnaturally courteous metro assistants, indelible salespersons with unironed shirts and lit cigarettes next to no-smoking signs in a basement store that sells cotton bedding, rude policemen – they flock to non-Asians like empty-skulled 20-something kid-adults flock to memes, trying to legally take your money.

Those confident myths about the ubiquitousness of English is widely overblown; no one speaks English, and even if they do, most will not speak it to you outside a professional setting. And why would they? Come to the country, speak the language – that is what Australians have always maintained. No need to look so confused when they speak Chinese to you in excruciating, childish slowness, oozing condescension – this is what you would’ve done the other way around.

Wherever one goes, any non-Asian skin color is basically a label that reads ‘I’M RICH’ directly above ‘RESPECT ME DAMMIT’, drawing to it all the scammy deals and courteous disrespect one can expect. This labelling has nothing to do with how long one has lived here or how well one can speak the language – it has only to do with skin color.

In casual 2-minute interactions – going to the bank, eating out, getting drunk at a bar, premature ejaculation – who you are, what you are, and what rights and respects are afforded to you are determined according to skin color the moment two people meet.

Again, anecdotal evidence – but then again, no one cares about scientific evidence and opinions are facts.

None of this applies when one is Asian, however. The locals immediately and unconditionally accepts Asians no matter how they dress (four times in a week, women unironically dressed in maid costumes – not for any professional purpose but just casually – have been spotted. Did not take pictures).

It matters not when these camouflaged foreigners can’t speak Chinese, or always get lost the moron-friendly zero-barrier subway system. They rarely get accosted by the various locals, and even if they do, their lack of basic language skill is never met with derision. Somehow, they are spoken to with normal-speed, non-condescending Chinese even though they have the same chance of understanding it as a deaf kookaburra.

This is because these Asian foreigners have already been judged as ‘one of us’, despite them being no less foreign than everyone else. The basis is, of course, appearance alone. Without knowing anything about them, they have been accepted by the locals because they look the same.

Of course, when one is a rational human being with satisfactory intelligence, this sort of judgment rarely applies beyond first-impressions. It’s hard to hold onto one’s prejudice – one way or another – when the Asian guy you thought was a local can’t even use chopsticks and listens to a vaguely homoerotic band called One Direction, whereas the black guy you thought was from Zimbabwe has actually lived here for ten years and speaks fluent Chinese.

But most don’t get past first impressions. People don’t have the time nor the desire to get to know you; most just want your money and be done with it.

Easiest impression to make – the color of one’s skin.

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When an Asian guy walks down an Australian street, despite being as local as anyone could get without losing one’s cultural identity, one cannot escape the sense of constantly being judged from a distance, and whatever caricature that impression would form in the observer’s mind, it will not be ‘one of us’.

Which is cool. After all – as we’ve established – this happens the other way around as well.

Even when people, after forming such misconstrued first impressions, are unwilling to close that distance and properly assess the individual for who they are, it is still cool – they just might not give enough shits to get to know you.

Real social ramifications arise when there is time, and there is a structural need to get to know these ‘different’ people, to close that distance, yet due to fear and anxiety of admitting one’s own mistaken prejudices and/or the simple shyness of approaching a stranger, one does not.

Thus, the prejudices remain forever, cementing into caricatures – the defining of an individual with a few easily perceived visual or auditory traits – which then leads, unceremoniously, to racism.

(to be continued, cos 800 words is stretching it for avid readers of the 21st century)

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How to Ignore People

 

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You, looking for friends.

 

Do you have a neckbeard admirer?

Does the success of your once close friends make hair fall out of your scalp before the age of 30?

Want to organize a party, but worried that a few individuals that you hung with in your couch-slumming weed-smoking KFC-eating cat-hoarding years might turn up and eat all your food?

Worry not my friends – just follow these simple steps, and you too can always enjoy the friendly company of people who think and talk and behave exactly like you.

 

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Mmm…stringy.

 

1 – Be like water, not cheese.

Stringing people along is the worst thing you can do.

If you smile amicably and nod when the fat guy with strong BO that you know from your previous place of employment invites himself to your party, chances are he will attend all your subsequent parties for the next 5 years.

On the same note, if someone you don’t give two shits about keeps asking you to attend miscellaneous activities that you typically associate with words such as ‘friends’ or ‘good company’ or ‘yeah sounds fun’, don’t act polite and say yes even though you want to say no.

Instead, just say no. Outright reject them.

When you pour water onto the ground and savagely set fire to it, it wouldn’t mind; it would just evaporate and be gone before you know it; but if you pour hot cheese, not only will it stick to your skin, your underwear, your figurine collection, your precious time, and your tarnished pride, it will also spontaneously combust.

Don’t be stringy cheese. Be like water.

 

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2 – Be a dick and a sadist.

The biggest barrier to saying no is, of course, not wanting to sound like a dick/stuck-up bitch.

What you fail to realize it, if you are a dick, it is much easier to hide the fact in a two-minute Messenger conversation that ends with ‘sorry, I don’t want to’, than having to endure an entire day/night in the same room as them, trying your hardest not to be a dick.

It will be a miserable time for both of you.

Instead, simply make it clear that you don’t want their company – without resorting to personal insults, of course. It is much better to offend them for ten seconds by saying no than it is to clearly express your severe dislike of their presence throughout the entire party/date/time together.

Don’t worry about hurting their feelings. You don’t really care.

In fact, cleanly and respectably rejecting someone will make them feel better in the long run, since you are eliminating their uncertainty, and there is nothing that stresses people out more than waiting for a yes/no that might never come. No one wants to deal with that shit.

So be a dick, and hurt their feelings a little bit.

(Unless they are serial-killer type stalkers, in which case you should purchase an illegal firearm and adopt a bulldog).

 

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Some guy.

3 – Be like Hannibal crossing the Alps, not Justinian I retaking Rome.

If you don’t like someone now, chances are you’ll never like them. Despite what people tell themselves, our impressions of others are formed quickly and firmly and are not likely to change from additional information.

Don’t waste your time thinking, ‘welllll I don’t really want to know this guy, but he might come in useful later, so it might be best to keep him around.’

Remember, Hannibal didn’t terrorize Rome by going ‘welllll I don’t really think I can conquer Italy, so I think I’ll leave a way out, just in case.’ If he did that, not only would he have lost every battle, the Romans would never have respected him.

That’s right, you can hate someone’s guts yet retain the ability to treat them like a capable human being. In fact, it is more likely to get a favor from someone who hates you but respects you, than from one whom you have little respect for yet is always hanging around.

Remember, Justinian I’s Roman Empire was not real. Just because you are sitting on Italy doesn’t mean you own it. In fact, instead of using brute conquest, if he exerted Byzantine’s power through diplomacy, when all the barbarians were fighting amongst themselves, he would’ve achieve the same thing, if not more. Instead, he conquered a piece of nostalgia to make himself feel good, and pushed his prosperous empire into centuries of war.

So the next time you think of going out of your way to get close to someone that you have no reason to, remember: Rome was sacked 12 times in a hundred years. That beautiful utopia exists only in your head.

Don’ Care, I’m Exhausted

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zzz

After an exhausting week at work, you come home at 11:32pm on the Friday night smelling like cheap pints and nutty sweat. Kicking off your work shoes as if they are slices of old margarita pizza stuck to your soles, you stumble over to the fridge to look for the leftover pasta. Turns out the fridge is empty – you ate the pasta for lunch today, since one small latte for breakfast doesn’t really carry you through the day – and you’ll have to sleep hungry.

The thought of having to make a run to the store terrifies you. Nothing is open, which means it’ll have to wait until tomorrow, but you were planning to stay cooped up in your bed all day browsing Reddit and eating pasta, and going out would mess majorly with that plan.

Desperate to avoid such a catastrophe, you yank all the cupboards open looking for the emergency muesli bar stash. But all the boxes are empty. You ate the last one last week and hadn’t replenished the stock.

Tea, then. Just tea. You still have teabags, since teabags are what you always buy despite already having four different kinds sitting on the kitchen counter. You brew yourself a cup of gingery lemongrass. It takes one sip for you to realise that all the delicious antioxidants are only making you hungrier. So you pour the rest down the drain.

Time to sleep.

2pm wake-up tomorrow. Plan: stay in bed and do nothing. Same for Sunday, except you’ll have to iron your shirts at some stage, and wash out some socks. You are pretty sure the washing powder’s run out, but one or two rounds of just water washing would probably be OK. If it stinks, it stinks.

You are too tired to care.

Flipping through Facebook in bed, you run into some cute animals, some political message thinly veiled as satire, and some random NGO’s campaign to raise money for some country you don’t care about. Graphic pictures of squalor and violence in some far-off place catches your eye. What a shame, you think to yourself. These people are so unfortunate, having to live like that. Wish someone can do something about it.

Not that you want to press the like button, even though you just liked that meme with the attac and protec – Like one of these, and a dozen more similar ones will pop up, then the whole feed will just be depressing stuff. Looking at memes and cats is just better. You are too tired to care about the other stuff.

Too tired.

You read a status from one of your friends that you used to talk to, and see that they’ve wrote something about marriage equality, and how everyone deserves to be treated with respect. You nod and click like. What a fantastic individual, you think to yourself; they have the energy to care even though they must be so busy with work and study and meme browsing.

Slightly motivated, you try to write a status of your own. Twenty seconds pass; nothing. You don’t want it to be too short – that might make you seem dumb and uninformed – but you also don’t want to put in the effort to make it long and detailed. Only weird unemployed people and political shills put that much energy into a Facebook post, you tell yourself.

So for the next hour, cozied up in smelly blankets and holding an empty teacup, you stare at the tablet screen, flipping through floor is lava memes and liking the ones that have the most likes.

This feels right. This feels like something you want to do after an exhausting week of work. Let the shills and the loud lesbians and the clickbaiters and the Trump haters post their memes. You just want to be entertained without having to think too much, since you are so exhausted.

And hungry.

Ah…why isn’t there pasta in the fridge? There should already be pasta in the fridge. Will someone please bring pasta and put it in the fridge?

Enlightened, you write that as your status – ‘can someone bring me pasta I’m starving’ – and it takes you a total of four seconds. For the next ten minutes you stare at the screen, waiting to see which people you find attractive are liking your status.

A total of two: your aunt and some guy who looks too ugly for you to know who he is.

The lack of attention makes you fume. People should care about stuff more. The lack of pasta is a serious issue! You are literally starving in your bed!

You cannot believe that no one cares. People these days are so apathetic and selfish. All they do is browse memes and watch Youtube. They never care about the real issues that impact the world.

Hmm…

That sounds like another good post.

Motivated, you post it as your new status.

Then you stare at the screen, waiting for the likes to stack up.

How to Get Laid

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Get laid.

This is what you’ve been waiting for.

A decade of browsing quality memes on the interwebs later, you have finally found it: the Holy Grail, the One True Quest, the answer to the sacred question whispered in irreverent whispers by literally every living creature that walks this earth.

Here is the step-by-step guide, navigating through this intangible mire on your behalf so that you don’t have to move an inch from the comfortable nook on your bed, or wash your hands.

How to get laid:

1 – Become a brick.

2 – Use mason lines and a story pole to guide yourself into position. Use a pencil to mark on yourself the exact manner in which you would get laid.

3 – Slather yourself in mortar. Make sure to repeatedly knock yourself on the head to release any air bubbles that may be trapped in the mortar underneath.

4 – Remove excess mortar. Using the sharp end of the trowel, scrape off yourself any excess mortar that spreads beyond your joints. Holding a spade trowel at a 30-degree angle, carve small lines between your genitals and your knees. This will help protect you from the effects of precipitation.

Congratulations! You have now successfully gotten laid. Now go out there and chase your other dreams, like becoming an astronaut or participating in a nude bike ride.

How to be Happy

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Sometimes, when everyone around you is enjoying themselves, you somehow feel miserable.

Snippets of conversation drift past your fake-attentive ears – “oh this band is great, but have you heard of that band?” – and as you smile back at your friend/colleague/family member, nodding amicably, you wonder what expressions they’d have if you snatched that burrito from their greasy hand and shoved it down their throat, beans and week-old onion bits flying everywhere.

“Shut the fuck up, just stop talking shut the fuck up”, you imagine yourself saying…which is bizarre, because you are not a moody teenager anymore, you are a grown-ass adult, and you are having a silent tantrum when everyone else is having fun.

Why?

The answer is obvious – obvious but complicated, so let’s us an obfuscated and barely relevant metaphor to make it easier to understand:

In your head, there is a constant tug-of-war.

On one side, the side with all the buff dudes and sexy ladies, is a craving to be the center of the universe. “Adore me! Shower me with praises! Give me your undivided attention!” – sings the bright-winged angel sitting on your left shoulder, strumming that dainty little harpsichord.

On the other side, the side of bone-thin zombies posing as people, is an all-consuming shame. “I can’t do shit. Don’t look at me I’m ugly. Stop counting on me I have no idea what I’m doing.” – whispers the immolated demon dangling on your right shoulder, charred skin peeling from its crooked face.

How you feel at any moment depends on which side is winning. For some people, one of these sides is naturally stronger than the other; for others, the two sides go at it with such zealous enthusiasm that the ropes swings back and forth three times a minute.

Being on the angel’s side naturally makes you happy. “Oh boy! They’re all paying attention to me, asking how my day was!” “Oh man I am so important, look at my achievements and my pile of money!” – These are universal feel-good moments.

It is easy to be happy when this side is winning.

Thing is, there is a tug-of-war going on, and this euphoria – while it may last for days, weeks, years even – will eventually fade away. Don’t worry, it’ll come back, but in the meantime you are left some pretty insidious thoughts: how trivial your accomplishments are; how lonely you are, surrounded by hollow friends with whom you only discuss the trending shows on Netflix and nothing else; and how stupid you are, to not have realized how stupid you were all this time…

Can you feel happy when this side is winning?

Yes. Yes you can. Just follow these simple steps:

First, recognize that no one is going to win this tug-of-war, and that it is totally normal to find yourself on the currently losing side.

Second, be cool with it. Laugh. Recognize that your misfortunes are absurd, that the little worker ant minding his own business can sometimes be stepped on by an elephant, and that there really is nothing you can do about it.

Misfortune becomes funny when you are cool with it, because it is utterly absurd how detrimental one bad decision could be.

Misery comes to those who would throw a tantrum at being on the losing side, even if it’s just for a day or two. “Why isn’t my life as perfect as that guy’s?! Why don’t people like me even when I try so hard?! Why can’t I just get lucky and win at life?!” – When you throw these kind of tantrums, you become miserable – because this tug-of-war isn’t something you can influence with determination or perseverance. It just happens.

To be happy is to shrug. It is to shrug at who you are, at the shit that befalls you, at the elephant’s foot that comes down once in a while, and to laugh at them.

It is also fine not to be the center of the universe, once in a while.

How To Make Someone Like You

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Are you Tom Hanks stranded on a deserted island?

Are you the Ron Weasley of the dating world?

Do you have a strange addiction to cheesy romantic comedies because you have never experienced proper relationships?

Fear not my friends – follow this simple 3-step guide and you too can become an anime protagonist who is always mysteriously surrounded by women/men/mermaids/humanoid demons who are attracted to you for no reason!

 

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Step 1 – Brush your teeth

Good oral hygiene is paramount when seeking intimate relationships with another filth-lathered drool-soaked human being.

Remember, when smiling and holding uncomfortably long eye contact with someone, if they turn away in disgust, it’s not your black balaklava or your shredded hoodie, or your brown skin or your neckbeard – it’s your bad breath.

This is the fundamental step, even more important than…

 

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Step 2 – Be Sexy

Very self-explanatory.

Just be sexy. Just do it.

If you can’t you’re a failure in life and should kill yourself.

 

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Step 3 – Make them your slave

If they are not liking you, they are not doing what they are told, and slaves always do what they are told, otherwise you would’ve spent your hard-earned money on a moose or a fleshlight instead.

Insult them. Make them feel bad by becoming a fat alchoholic. Stalk them on social media and post snide sarcastic remarks about their achievements.

“Stupid slave, why can’t you just like me goddamn it” may not come across as very convincing, but add a “I hope you are happy that you’ve ruined my life” and it’s all dandy.

Emojis are very versatile in this respect. Spam that tear-laugh like you mean it.

 

And that’s it! Now go out there and make your conquests!!

 

 

Explaining Western Society with Prequel Memes

 

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1 – “From my point of view the Jedis are evil!!”

Oh Anakin.

Killing younglings is evil. There is no circumstance in which the slaughtering of innocent children would be anything but, baby Hitler included.

Everyone was so shocked. Obi-Wan was all like “WHAAAT” and Padme was all like “Nah no way” and C3PO was all like “Oh dear!”

Why were they all so obliviously surprised?

Around Anakin was a cage of expectations and obfuscate rules that society had imposed upon him: You got to save the world! You can’t fall in love! Go exactly where we tell you and do exactly what the Jedi Council want you to do! Your talent will never be rewarded because you are just an upstart brat with an attitude! Doesn’t matter how good you are at Jedi work – you need a mindset to be a master. What mindset? Our mindset.

Having rules and expectations are important – they give people purpose and direction. Of course, one cannot pick and choose which rules they want to follow – since being guided along certain paths is the whole point of having rules – but these rules should not be set by the people who have found success in following them.

That is the definition of a rigged system, designed so that people who most closely resemble the successful are more likely to find success.

Instead, a society’s rules and expectations should be set at the beginning of its conception, and provide only the basics. Kind of like sports.

The rules of football are basic – kick ball through posts, score points – basic enough for everyone to understand and start playing. Any additions and amendments to the rules – “You can’t tackle like that!” – should only be made when actions exist that do not have the goal of “kick ball, score points”. For example, “drag him down so he can’t score” is not about the game, but the player, and therefore it cannot be a part of the game that we all play.

Yet, in this enlightened age of the 21st century, it is never about the game. It is always about the player.

So really, no one should’ve been surprised when Anakin became so perverted in thinking, that he thought killing younglings was OK: A lifetime of being told what to do, of knowing his own talent yet never receiving acknowledgement from his mentors and peers, and the very rules he was told to follow made him miserable by making his affection taboo.

How miserable he must’ve been, playing the Jedi’s game.

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2 –  “It’s Over! I Have the High Ground!!”

Ever argued with a [insert individual with distinct religious/feminist/racial equality/gay rights ideology here] and found them condescending? As if no matter what you say, you are automatically wrong the moment you opened your mouth?

That is because they have the high ground.

Not an actual high ground, of course. Not even a symbolic one (which was what Obi-Wan meant, hopefully). But a sense of being on the high ground that is widely accepted by society as the real thing – for the time being.

The weapon of choice for those on the high ground are facts – figures, stats, polls, words from famous persons – which is all well and good, but these facts come with a caveat – that you are a dumb piece of shit for not knowing them.

Why do students hate some teachers and adore others, even when they are conveying the same information at the same pace? It is all about the way facts are presented.

By the very act of arguing with truths, people think that they cannot be argued against. The perfect example: “99% of all scientists believe global warming is real.” A truthful statement – an insurmountable fact.

But the way to argue with a climate change denialist is not shoving facts down their throats – if you hate the teacher, no matter how good they are at teaching, you are still not going to their class.

People are sick and tired of having facts shoved down their throats by whom they perceive as condescending assholes. Why? Because from their perspective, those on the high ground have rigged the game. A game that those not on the side of Obi-Wan will always lose.

It is the equivalent of repeatedly aiming for the fat kid in dodgeball. Sure, it is easy to win that way, but is it really about winning? That is the fundamental mistake we all made, thinking that the point of arguing about issues like climate change is winning, beating the other side with your impeccable skill at presenting facts and posturing on the high ground.

No. Presenting facts doesn’t make you smart or superior.

Saving the planet is not about winning, just like healthcare can’t be “won”.

It is about the game.

This “winning” mentality sows resentment, the kind that will turn people against you no matter how reasonable or knowledgeable you are.

Poor Anakin, prodded on by his resentment, arguing with Obi-Wan in an unwinnable argument, trying to win an unwinnable duel. He got burned like Korean barbeque because he played on Obi-Wan’s high ground. If his goal was to create a galaxy of peace, then he should’ve just turned around and left.

(It never was about saving Padme; forbidden love was only a small part of his suffering – a lovable excuse, if you like).

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3 – “Oh Anakin, what are we going to do?”

In times of crises, even the people who have all their shit together – like Padme – will become desperate. They perceive the flawed nature of the game in which t

hey are trapped, and see no way out.

In desperation, they lose their better judgement, and turn to their unstable but outspoken friends in the hope that their vicious attitudes can bring about a change.

That’s how Trump I mean Anakin became Darth Vader.

Any reasonable person observing that scene would think to themselves: “Padme what the fuck, you are literally the only one who’s got their shit together in this whole galaxy. You’ve got goals, you’ve got aspiration, and as a senator with powerful alliances you are positioned to change the way things work. Then suddenly, one unplanned pregnancy later, you become a helpless damsel, seeking advice from the unstable and impulsive yet lovably talented boyfriend who would kill younglings if that could help you out. Padme what the fuck.”

But is that so unreasonable?

People are easily upset by things happening outside their control. Sleeping with a Jedi without contraception in a galaxy with near-instant space travel and death-sticks aside, Padme had everything under control.

Why was she so upset about having Anakin’s kid as to lose her ability for rational thinking? It was a matter of life and death, but so was the coliseum with all the bug-people and stuff, and she was bad-ass then.

It’s treason I mean personal, then. Weird to say, but maybe she perceives this as a personal threat…even though those assassination attempts barely phased her.

Honestly, it is just irrational.

Why do perfectly reasonable people buy into hysteria about certain issues, but not others? Imagine if we as a society were as hysterical about climate changing as keeping out the brown people.

Wouldn’t that be something.