Tag: wordpress

How To Assert Dominance

As Mark Zuckerbitch once said, ‘I hate sea turtles and Robin Williams.’ You must ask yourself, why is it that the sky is blue? Why is it that the government goes ape shit collecting 700 mil from poor people, when they can collect that amount in bulk when granting approvals on Aboriginal heritage land?

The solution of your woes, as always, lies in the 2011 YA movie adaptation The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

Unrelated to both of the above paragraphs, there are 3 best ways to assert your dominance in public:

1: Yell at service staff

Oh look, that restaurant is still takeaway only, cos corona. But you’re all dressed up for a night out with your soulmate. What to do? Oh definitely not call in ahead of time. No.

Yell at the server instead. She will be cowed by your thunderous wrath, for she is dumb and of low-income, and therefore unfit to stand in the glory of your 200k+ salary.

Be sure do yell in front of other people, for what is the point of making a scene if there is no one watching ? Be sure to interact with your audience. Yell at them too. They love that. And they love you.

2: Stay above it

Let’s face it, you have a house, you have a stable income, you have a long-term relationship. There is nothing else you need, and nothing can bother you, because you’ve already fulfilled life’s major goals.

All you need to do now, really, is look at memes on facebook and reddit after you get back from work. Maybe play games. Maybe go hiking with that colleague who is really into fitness.

Don’t look at stuff that’ll distract from your fulfillment. There is a reason why it’s mostly students and young people who are protesting. They don’t know what it’s like to have a sizable property portfolio, bro.

Ignore them. Ignore whatever shit is going on in the news. There’s always some shit going on, don’t worry about it.

Don’t let other people’s suffering detract from your coasting life. You deserve your own happiness. The only thing you should worry about is where to purchase your next investment property. Now that shit’s hard.

3: Luke Skywalker

At a certain point, you kinda stop taking in new information. All the shit you like is from 10 years ago, your favourite book is somehow still Harry Potter, and wtf is even a TikTok.

Hey look it’s another Star Wars movie. Hey look it’s another superhero movie. Hey look it’s another thought-provoking period drama starring Mahershala Ali and Colin Firth. It’s everything you’ve seen before, but it’s new!

Oh man, it’s a TV show with a ASIAN PROTAGONIST. Oh shit that is so progressive and new, can’t wait to watch it…then you proceed to watch Friends and The Office and Community all over again.

Posted on by JQ 1