How to be a Functioning Adult

This is you reading this blog. 


Follow these simple steps to role-play as a functioning adult:

1 – Always pretend to be busy, even when you have nothing to do.

When answering a phone call from a stranger, pretend that you were irrevocably torn from an important meeting that you simply cannot miss, and let the person on the other end of the line know that they are keeping you from something very important, while never explicitly stating what it is that you are busy with.

When interacting with people of lower social status and/or intelligence, make sure to let them know that by simply taking time out of your busy schedule to interact with them, you are doing them a big favor.

For example: when ordering your medium decaf soy latte with three brown sugars from the good-looking barista, make sure to engage in small talk using leading questions, such as “busy today?” or “had a good weekend?”. The purpose of this is, of course, not to inquire about them, but to have a valid reason to tell them how busy you are today, and how great your weekend hike or kayaking session was.

2 – Assert your dominance in every aspect of conversation, however trivial.

Make sure to bring up any inferior aspects of the person you are interacting with in a casual, jovial manner.

For example, if the person you are interacting with is young, then instead of referring to them by name when doing introductions, call them “young man/lady” or “lad”. When giving compliments to show that you are appreciative of their effort to appease you, make sure to bring it up again, using “good lad” or “good girl”.

If the person you are interacting with looks brown, make sure that, first, you are white, and second, before saying anything else you ask them in a casual, jovial manner, “so what’s your background” or “where are you from?”. This way, you at once feign interest in their cultural identity and establish that any discussions henceforth shall be made with their brown-ness in mind.

3 – Selective lying.

In order to impress other adults so that you may extract some material or psychological profit from them, it is necessary to constantly present yourself with a series of half-truths so that you may appear objectively impressive.

For example: when conversing in a casual setting, such as at a bar or a friend’s party, make sure to exaggerate the aspect of your life that you deem impressive.

  • Been to the gym once in the past month? Say that you work out regularly but it is so difficult to find time nowadays.
  • Recently bought an expensive item, such as a house or a car? Make sure to abuse step No. 2, and bring it up in casual conversation. But, in case of encountering someone of higher social status, steer away from explicitly mentioning what it is that you have bought, and instead focus on how hard you’ve worked to pay it off.
  • Currently engaged in a long-term relationship? Make sure to constantly self-reinforce the idea that you are happy; however, if discussing this with an individual you deem sexually attractive, slip in subtle hints that you are not. For example, when asked the question of “so, had a good weekend?” by a cute coworker, it is best to respond with “yeah, went sky-diving with my girlfriend. She hated it though.”

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but serves as a basic outline for what you should be aiming for if you want to be perceived as a functioning adult.

More to come.