How To Make Someone Like You

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Are you Tom Hanks stranded on a deserted island?

Are you the Ron Weasley of the dating world?

Do you have a strange addiction to cheesy romantic comedies because you have never experienced proper relationships?

Fear not my friends – follow this simple 3-step guide and you too can become an anime protagonist who is always mysteriously surrounded by women/men/mermaids/humanoid demons who are attracted to you for no reason!

 

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Step 1 – Brush your teeth

Good oral hygiene is paramount when seeking intimate relationships with another filth-lathered drool-soaked human being.

Remember, when smiling and holding uncomfortably long eye contact with someone, if they turn away in disgust, it’s not your black balaklava or your shredded hoodie, or your brown skin or your neckbeard – it’s your bad breath.

This is the fundamental step, even more important than…

 

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Step 2 – Be Sexy

Very self-explanatory.

Just be sexy. Just do it.

If you can’t you’re a failure in life and should kill yourself.

 

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Step 3 – Make them your slave

If they are not liking you, they are not doing what they are told, and slaves always do what they are told, otherwise you would’ve spent your hard-earned money on a moose or a fleshlight instead.

Insult them. Make them feel bad by becoming a fat alchoholic. Stalk them on social media and post snide sarcastic remarks about their achievements.

“Stupid slave, why can’t you just like me goddamn it” may not come across as very convincing, but add a “I hope you are happy that you’ve ruined my life” and it’s all dandy.

Emojis are very versatile in this respect. Spam that tear-laugh like you mean it.

 

And that’s it! Now go out there and make your conquests!!

 

 

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How to Pick Up Asian Women (abridged)

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Why was the Art of War written by an Asian man?

This may come as a surprise to many, but Asian women were born with a number of situationally powerful traits that, while at first glance may appear to be of trivial application, can have critical impact in certain social, ecological, and psychological scenarios.

To be able to effectively approach and reach non-zero-sum outcomes with these enigmatic individuals, one must first familiarize oneself with key social interaction catalysts unique to their combined ethnic and gender backgrounds, such that the typically desired end-state of such interactions – that which is colloquially known as “picked up” – may be achieved without the need to resort to external endorsements that, intrinsically and inevitably, introduces a time-cumulative chance of catastrophic failure. Discussion of these endorsements – more commonly known as the “sugar daddy” or the “I have a Ferrari” – shall not be made in this article.

One such catalyst, and perhaps the chiefest, is Asian women’s hereditary ability to ingest considerable quantities of spicy or soupy foods in a diverse array of social settings, including but not limited to: in public; in semi-closed system known as “friends and family”; and in strictly two-party closed-system scenarios. While the manifestation this trait is certainly not ubiquitous, for the purposes of this discussion its wide applicability and extreme versatility in practice makes this trait a key determinant in choosing the appropriate pathway to reach the desired end-state in limited-budget scenarios.

Furthermore, the effective accommodation of this trait offers an approachable gateway into the over-arching trait exhibited by most Asian women that, if improperly accounted for, may reduce an individual’s prerogative to continue pursuing the end-state of “picked up”. Exempli Gratia: caution is advised when attempting to generously apply chili paste to noodle soup in a Vietnamese restaurant; there is a high likelihood of failure when demonstrating this skill in front of an Asian woman. In most instances, regardless of age, income, or social status, Asian women are better skilled and more adaptable than the individual at any given task. Keep this in mind at all times, or risk unintentionally terminating all viable pathways to the end-state.

As for proactive measures, the following procedures may be undertaken regardless of any traits an Asian woman might exhibit. In conventional two-party closed-system interactions, an enterprising individual must adhere to the following guidelines when attempting to “pick up”:

  1. Keep a wide base of support. Feet should be shoulder-width apart, with one foot slightly ahead of the other;
  2. Squat down, bending at the hips and knees only. If needed, put one knee to the floor and other knee in front, bent at right angle;
  3. Keep good posture. Look straight ahead, and keep back straight, chest out, and shoulders back.
  4. Slowly pick up the Asian woman by straightening hips and knees. Keep back straight; no twisting during this process.
  5. Hold the Asian woman as close to your body as possible, at the level of your belly button.

 

You have now successfully picked up an Asian woman. (Note: performing the above procedures on an unsuspecting individual may yield results that deviate from the optimal outcome.)

(Disclaimer: the author is not responsible for any undesirable incidents that may arise from following the instructions outlined in this guide.)