How To Win Bigly And Be Best


I mean look, you got, what, fifty years of life ahead of you, and that’s long, very long – according to some people, according to other people, not so long – and when you have that long, and again, I’m saying it, because I know I’ve lived for a long time, longer than anyone alive, except maybe Jesus, but longer than a lot of people, so I know what I’m talking about, OK? I know what I’m talking about. When I talk about stuff – and I talk about stuff all the time, unlike what some would call ‘fake people’ would tell me, no no, Mr. Bigshot you lie you lie all the time – and I tell you what, ‘fake people’, I don’t lie. I don’t lie. I never ever, lie, like, ever, OK? so believe me, I know what I’m talking about, believe me. When you have done what I’ve done, and is as rich and wealthy and powerful as I am, OK, then you know you are best. The best, folks. The best. Only, the best. And I am best because, first of all, let me just say just because I am best doesn’t mean you can’t be best, too, alright? You can be best, you can be best, everyone can be best, because that’s good, you know, that’s a very, very good thing we have here, so it is hard, to not be best when, like, you are surrounded by all these wonderful, wonderful people, who, by the way, are much better than the ‘fake’ people that you see on TV that always say, blah blah you are not best blah blah you are all losers, because you’re not losers, OK? you are not losers. Well, OK, some of you are but that’s OK, that’s OK, and if some of you are not, that’s OK too. We’ll just have to see what happens. But When you have what I call losers – you know I came up with that word, ‘losers’, it’s a great word, very…very good word, I think – and you know, they always say stuff like, ‘oh no you can’t do that, that’s not good’, but you know what? Just do it, OK. Just do it. When you are rich they let you do it, and you just do it, you don’t even ask. And that’s how you win, folks. That’s how you win. We are gonna win so big and hard you’re gonna say, ‘oh please stop, this is so much winning, I can’t handle all this winning anymore’, OK folks? So believe me, I know what I’m talking about. I’m a winner, OK. I just win win win all the time, I can’t stop winning. And you know, sometimes, you don’t win, OK? Sometimes when it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. But yes, you know, I am a winner, so I often win all the time so it

[…. should probably stop this here]


How To Continuously Not Kill Yourself

stock-photo-regrets-wrong-doing-closeup-portrait-silly-young-woman-slapping-hand-on-head-having-duh-moment-384450757.jpgIn a completely arbitrary and totally made-up scenario, one day you find yourself spending a trivial amount of money at a food place using lots of change because, for some reason, the smallest denomination of coin is always the most abundant one in your possession, and you would like to exchange these disease-carrying pocket-stretching wallet-busting irrevocably-depreciated pieces of metal for essential goods and services.

After this brief yet excruciatingly pedantic transaction is completed, you walk away with some high-glucose negligible-nutrition-value yet mysteriously delicious pork buns, and reflect that the effort spent performing that particular human interaction was decidedly non-trivial, and could have been better spent sitting at your computer vacantly staring at the screen watching some guy talk about some shit for three hours.

It takes but a short logical leap, then, to realize that not a single party involved in that exchange wanted any part of it: you didn’t want the shitty food, it was pure sugar and processed carbs; the scowling old lady didn’t want to sell you the shitty food, she would rather be rich and spend every day shopping; the mint didn’t want to stamp those negative-value coins that were worth less than the metal from which they were made, but they have to because they were told to by decision-makers for whom the smallest denomination has three zeros after the one; and the guy in the three-hour podcast has long grown tired of his long-winded hyper-pedantic dives into why this good movie is bad and why that bad movie is a modern classic, but he has fans to placate and bills to pay, so he keeps going on and on and on.

You look around in bewilderment; your days are filled with these small nuisances that lead to small miseries; you look at the people around you and see these miseries manifest in everything they do.

A positive attitude is all you need to change this outlook! You tell yourself this, and immediately feels better. Then the next day you miss your bus because of extra intense bowel acrobatics. Then the delivery guy misplaces your item and now your cute anime girl figurine is nowhere to be found. Then some bureaucratic shit happens that you don’t fully understand, but suddenly you’ve got to pay a chunk of money and fill out a bunch of forms. Then you are left with nothing for lunch because you spent all your lunch money on the figurine. Then you get the nasty pork buns and they definitely do not look or taste as advertised.

At this stage, for the fourteenth time that day, you are ready to kill yourself. It is detestably strange that you are even feeling this way, since the day has plenty of good in it: there was that joke you heard in the morning which was really funny; there was the highly productive work you did which is maybe a million times more useful to humanity as a whole than selling pork buns; and there were all these people being nice, trying their best, helpful, working together, cohesive team environment, etc.

Then a random driver almost hits you and yells at you for being blind. You instinctively understand that he doesn’t really think you are blind, that these expletives are just a way for him to let off the nervous tension of almost hitting someone, yet him very reasonably losing his shit causes you to be angry and miserable. At what? At nothing. Miserable and angry at nothing, another small nuisance leading to a small misery, yet suddenly you want to off yourself again.

It is reasonable, then, to ask yourself why anyone would want to live in such an environment, where people indiscriminately inflict anger and misery onto everyone around them because they themselves are angry and miserable. In other words, why continuously decide not to kill yourself thirty times a day versus making the ‘ok I do that’ decision a single time and kill yourself?

The answer is pork buns. If you ded you won’t be able to eat dem delicious hotness no moar.

As your belly is filled and the balancing blood sugar levels return a semblance of sanity to your mind, you reflect that life is already too full of suicide-inducing little annoyances, and that you don’t need to add any more.

This is why you keep saying no a perfectly reasonable decision, a dozen times a day, a hundred times a week: you can make it a little less worse, just by being alive.

How to Ignore People


You, looking for friends.


Do you have a neckbeard admirer?

Does the success of your once close friends make hair fall out of your scalp before the age of 30?

Want to organize a party, but worried that a few individuals that you hung with in your couch-slumming weed-smoking KFC-eating cat-hoarding years might turn up and eat all your food?

Worry not my friends – just follow these simple steps, and you too can always enjoy the friendly company of people who think and talk and behave exactly like you.




1 – Be like water, not cheese.

Stringing people along is the worst thing you can do.

If you smile amicably and nod when the fat guy with strong BO that you know from your previous place of employment invites himself to your party, chances are he will attend all your subsequent parties for the next 5 years.

On the same note, if someone you don’t give two shits about keeps asking you to attend miscellaneous activities that you typically associate with words such as ‘friends’ or ‘good company’ or ‘yeah sounds fun’, don’t act polite and say yes even though you want to say no.

Instead, just say no. Outright reject them.

When you pour water onto the ground and savagely set fire to it, it wouldn’t mind; it would just evaporate and be gone before you know it; but if you pour hot cheese, not only will it stick to your skin, your underwear, your figurine collection, your precious time, and your tarnished pride, it will also spontaneously combust.

Don’t be stringy cheese. Be like water.




2 – Be a dick and a sadist.

The biggest barrier to saying no is, of course, not wanting to sound like a dick/stuck-up bitch.

What you fail to realize it, if you are a dick, it is much easier to hide the fact in a two-minute Messenger conversation that ends with ‘sorry, I don’t want to’, than having to endure an entire day/night in the same room as them, trying your hardest not to be a dick.

It will be a miserable time for both of you.

Instead, simply make it clear that you don’t want their company – without resorting to personal insults, of course. It is much better to offend them for ten seconds by saying no than it is to clearly express your severe dislike of their presence throughout the entire party/date/time together.

Don’t worry about hurting their feelings. You don’t really care.

In fact, cleanly and respectably rejecting someone will make them feel better in the long run, since you are eliminating their uncertainty, and there is nothing that stresses people out more than waiting for a yes/no that might never come. No one wants to deal with that shit.

So be a dick, and hurt their feelings a little bit.

(Unless they are serial-killer type stalkers, in which case you should purchase an illegal firearm and adopt a bulldog).


Some guy.

3 – Be like Hannibal crossing the Alps, not Justinian I retaking Rome.

If you don’t like someone now, chances are you’ll never like them. Despite what people tell themselves, our impressions of others are formed quickly and firmly and are not likely to change from additional information.

Don’t waste your time thinking, ‘welllll I don’t really want to know this guy, but he might come in useful later, so it might be best to keep him around.’

Remember, Hannibal didn’t terrorize Rome by going ‘welllll I don’t really think I can conquer Italy, so I think I’ll leave a way out, just in case.’ If he did that, not only would he have lost every battle, the Romans would never have respected him.

That’s right, you can hate someone’s guts yet retain the ability to treat them like a capable human being. In fact, it is more likely to get a favor from someone who hates you but respects you, than from one whom you have little respect for yet is always hanging around.

Remember, Justinian I’s Roman Empire was not real. Just because you are sitting on Italy doesn’t mean you own it. In fact, instead of using brute conquest, if he exerted Byzantine’s power through diplomacy, when all the barbarians were fighting amongst themselves, he would’ve achieve the same thing, if not more. Instead, he conquered a piece of nostalgia to make himself feel good, and pushed his prosperous empire into centuries of war.

So the next time you think of going out of your way to get close to someone that you have no reason to, remember: Rome was sacked 12 times in a hundred years. That beautiful utopia exists only in your head.

Don’ Care, I’m Exhausted


After an exhausting week at work, you come home at 11:32pm on the Friday night smelling like cheap pints and nutty sweat. Kicking off your work shoes as if they are slices of old margarita pizza stuck to your soles, you stumble over to the fridge to look for the leftover pasta. Turns out the fridge is empty – you ate the pasta for lunch today, since one small latte for breakfast doesn’t really carry you through the day – and you’ll have to sleep hungry.

The thought of having to make a run to the store terrifies you. Nothing is open, which means it’ll have to wait until tomorrow, but you were planning to stay cooped up in your bed all day browsing Reddit and eating pasta, and going out would mess majorly with that plan.

Desperate to avoid such a catastrophe, you yank all the cupboards open looking for the emergency muesli bar stash. But all the boxes are empty. You ate the last one last week and hadn’t replenished the stock.

Tea, then. Just tea. You still have teabags, since teabags are what you always buy despite already having four different kinds sitting on the kitchen counter. You brew yourself a cup of gingery lemongrass. It takes one sip for you to realise that all the delicious antioxidants are only making you hungrier. So you pour the rest down the drain.

Time to sleep.

2pm wake-up tomorrow. Plan: stay in bed and do nothing. Same for Sunday, except you’ll have to iron your shirts at some stage, and wash out some socks. You are pretty sure the washing powder’s run out, but one or two rounds of just water washing would probably be OK. If it stinks, it stinks.

You are too tired to care.

Flipping through Facebook in bed, you run into some cute animals, some political message thinly veiled as satire, and some random NGO’s campaign to raise money for some country you don’t care about. Graphic pictures of squalor and violence in some far-off place catches your eye. What a shame, you think to yourself. These people are so unfortunate, having to live like that. Wish someone can do something about it.

Not that you want to press the like button, even though you just liked that meme with the attac and protec – Like one of these, and a dozen more similar ones will pop up, then the whole feed will just be depressing stuff. Looking at memes and cats is just better. You are too tired to care about the other stuff.

Too tired.

You read a status from one of your friends that you used to talk to, and see that they’ve wrote something about marriage equality, and how everyone deserves to be treated with respect. You nod and click like. What a fantastic individual, you think to yourself; they have the energy to care even though they must be so busy with work and study and meme browsing.

Slightly motivated, you try to write a status of your own. Twenty seconds pass; nothing. You don’t want it to be too short – that might make you seem dumb and uninformed – but you also don’t want to put in the effort to make it long and detailed. Only weird unemployed people and political shills put that much energy into a Facebook post, you tell yourself.

So for the next hour, cozied up in smelly blankets and holding an empty teacup, you stare at the tablet screen, flipping through floor is lava memes and liking the ones that have the most likes.

This feels right. This feels like something you want to do after an exhausting week of work. Let the shills and the loud lesbians and the clickbaiters and the Trump haters post their memes. You just want to be entertained without having to think too much, since you are so exhausted.

And hungry.

Ah…why isn’t there pasta in the fridge? There should already be pasta in the fridge. Will someone please bring pasta and put it in the fridge?

Enlightened, you write that as your status – ‘can someone bring me pasta I’m starving’ – and it takes you a total of four seconds. For the next ten minutes you stare at the screen, waiting to see which people you find attractive are liking your status.

A total of two: your aunt and some guy who looks too ugly for you to know who he is.

The lack of attention makes you fume. People should care about stuff more. The lack of pasta is a serious issue! You are literally starving in your bed!

You cannot believe that no one cares. People these days are so apathetic and selfish. All they do is browse memes and watch Youtube. They never care about the real issues that impact the world.


That sounds like another good post.

Motivated, you post it as your new status.

Then you stare at the screen, waiting for the likes to stack up.

How to Get Laid

Get laid.

This is what you’ve been waiting for.

A decade of browsing quality memes on the interwebs later, you have finally found it: the Holy Grail, the One True Quest, the answer to the sacred question whispered in irreverent whispers by literally every living creature that walks this earth.

Here is the step-by-step guide, navigating through this intangible mire on your behalf so that you don’t have to move an inch from the comfortable nook on your bed, or wash your hands.

How to get laid:

1 – Become a brick.

2 – Use mason lines and a story pole to guide yourself into position. Use a pencil to mark on yourself the exact manner in which you would get laid.

3 – Slather yourself in mortar. Make sure to repeatedly knock yourself on the head to release any air bubbles that may be trapped in the mortar underneath.

4 – Remove excess mortar. Using the sharp end of the trowel, scrape off yourself any excess mortar that spreads beyond your joints. Holding a spade trowel at a 30-degree angle, carve small lines between your genitals and your knees. This will help protect you from the effects of precipitation.

Congratulations! You have now successfully gotten laid. Now go out there and chase your other dreams, like becoming an astronaut or participating in a nude bike ride.

How to be Happy


Sometimes, when everyone around you is enjoying themselves, you somehow feel miserable.

Snippets of conversation drift past your fake-attentive ears – “oh this band is great, but have you heard of that band?” – and as you smile back at your friend/colleague/family member, nodding amicably, you wonder what expressions they’d have if you snatched that burrito from their greasy hand and shoved it down their throat, beans and week-old onion bits flying everywhere.

“Shut the fuck up, just stop talking shut the fuck up”, you imagine yourself saying…which is bizarre, because you are not a moody teenager anymore, you are a grown-ass adult, and you are having a silent tantrum when everyone else is having fun.


The answer is obvious – obvious but complicated, so let’s us an obfuscated and barely relevant metaphor to make it easier to understand:

In your head, there is a constant tug-of-war.

On one side, the side with all the buff dudes and sexy ladies, is a craving to be the center of the universe. “Adore me! Shower me with praises! Give me your undivided attention!” – sings the bright-winged angel sitting on your left shoulder, strumming that dainty little harpsichord.

On the other side, the side of bone-thin zombies posing as people, is an all-consuming shame. “I can’t do shit. Don’t look at me I’m ugly. Stop counting on me I have no idea what I’m doing.” – whispers the immolated demon dangling on your right shoulder, charred skin peeling from its crooked face.

How you feel at any moment depends on which side is winning. For some people, one of these sides is naturally stronger than the other; for others, the two sides go at it with such zealous enthusiasm that the ropes swings back and forth three times a minute.

Being on the angel’s side naturally makes you happy. “Oh boy! They’re all paying attention to me, asking how my day was!” “Oh man I am so important, look at my achievements and my pile of money!” – These are universal feel-good moments.

It is easy to be happy when this side is winning.

Thing is, there is a tug-of-war going on, and this euphoria – while it may last for days, weeks, years even – will eventually fade away. Don’t worry, it’ll come back, but in the meantime you are left some pretty insidious thoughts: how trivial your accomplishments are; how lonely you are, surrounded by hollow friends with whom you only discuss the trending shows on Netflix and nothing else; and how stupid you are, to not have realized how stupid you were all this time…

Can you feel happy when this side is winning?

Yes. Yes you can. Just follow these simple steps:

First, recognize that no one is going to win this tug-of-war, and that it is totally normal to find yourself on the currently losing side.

Second, be cool with it. Laugh. Recognize that your misfortunes are absurd, that the little worker ant minding his own business can sometimes be stepped on by an elephant, and that there really is nothing you can do about it.

Misfortune becomes funny when you are cool with it, because it is utterly absurd how detrimental one bad decision could be.

Misery comes to those who would throw a tantrum at being on the losing side, even if it’s just for a day or two. “Why isn’t my life as perfect as that guy’s?! Why don’t people like me even when I try so hard?! Why can’t I just get lucky and win at life?!” – When you throw these kind of tantrums, you become miserable – because this tug-of-war isn’t something you can influence with determination or perseverance. It just happens.

To be happy is to shrug. It is to shrug at who you are, at the shit that befalls you, at the elephant’s foot that comes down once in a while, and to laugh at them.

It is also fine not to be the center of the universe, once in a while.

How To Make Someone Like You


Are you Tom Hanks stranded on a deserted island?

Are you the Ron Weasley of the dating world?

Do you have a strange addiction to cheesy romantic comedies because you have never experienced proper relationships?

Fear not my friends – follow this simple 3-step guide and you too can become an anime protagonist who is always mysteriously surrounded by women/men/mermaids/humanoid demons who are attracted to you for no reason!



Step 1 – Brush your teeth

Good oral hygiene is paramount when seeking intimate relationships with another filth-lathered drool-soaked human being.

Remember, when smiling and holding uncomfortably long eye contact with someone, if they turn away in disgust, it’s not your black balaklava or your shredded hoodie, or your brown skin or your neckbeard – it’s your bad breath.

This is the fundamental step, even more important than…



Step 2 – Be Sexy

Very self-explanatory.

Just be sexy. Just do it.

If you can’t you’re a failure in life and should kill yourself.



Step 3 – Make them your slave

If they are not liking you, they are not doing what they are told, and slaves always do what they are told, otherwise you would’ve spent your hard-earned money on a moose or a fleshlight instead.

Insult them. Make them feel bad by becoming a fat alchoholic. Stalk them on social media and post snide sarcastic remarks about their achievements.

“Stupid slave, why can’t you just like me goddamn it” may not come across as very convincing, but add a “I hope you are happy that you’ve ruined my life” and it’s all dandy.

Emojis are very versatile in this respect. Spam that tear-laugh like you mean it.


And that’s it! Now go out there and make your conquests!!