What to Order at a Chinese Restaurant

 

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Ever seen these hung up on hooks at your nearby Chinatown? Be careful if you want to try these. How clean the restaurant looks is often how sanitary the hanging meat is. 

A typical menu at a Chinese restaurant will consist of at least fifty main-dish items. These items may be divided into the following categories:

1 – Dishes that are more or less genuine attempts at recreating a popular recipe (50%). There will be at least a dozen dishes that are ubiquitous in all Chinese restaurants – the equivalent of pepperoni pizzas in all pizzerias.

  • These dishes have an easily identifiable flavor that is pretty much the same everywhere in the world. However, they are almost always heavy on chili and salt, and may contain miscellaneous ingredients (such as black fungi or pig intestines) that may deter the Western palate.
  • If you feel like you are familiar with Asian cuisine, feel free to order one or two of these with plain rice. Look out for “fish-flavored shredded pork”, “Gong Bao Chicken” in the menu – these are usually available.
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Fish-flavored shredded pork. Every restaraunt in China has it on the menu. 

2 – Special “regional” dishes based on the palate of select Chinese provinces, that are also “trademark” dishes for Chinese restaurants that claim to originate from these places (20%). This is where most of the weird stuff on the menu goes, and these may even deter authentic Chinese customers.

 

  • These dishes are usually big-dished and cost 50% more. They often contain everything Westerners fear about Asian food: pig’s foot, curdled duck blood, small intestine of cow, boned eel, whole steamed fish, skewered squib heads, lamb’s head…
  • As a rule, unless they’ve been to Asian countries for extended periods, non-Asians will never order these, which is a shame since all Chinese restaurants put the most amount of effort and high quality ingredients into making these dishes.
  • In larger Chinese restaurants these dishes will often take up entire pages in the menu, with somewhat ridiculous price tags. Don’t order these if you are by yourself; if you are feeling adventurous, go with a friend and get one such dish – it would usually be enough for two.
  • Although many non-spicy dishes exist, most Chinese restaurants in Western countries only offer the spicy variant. Look out for “Sichuan Boiled Fish” or “Mao Xue Wang”. They will come in very large bowls.
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Mao Xue Wang. It has almost all the aforementioned weird stuff in it. Try ordering it if an easily accessible public toilet is nearby.

3 – Then there are the dishes that every Chinese restaurant must put in the menu so uninformed white people can find something comfortable to them (30%). These include plates of shit like “honey chicken” or “lemongrass chicken” or at worst “braised pork belly”.

  • These are not Chinese dishes. These items were created by Westerners to cater to the Western palate. No Chinese customers will ever, ever order these items. In fact, if a white person asks the staff for recommendations, they will point to “honey chicken” without fail, since it is a safe bet that this plate of shit will be meek enough for their delicate palate.
  • An easy way to identify this type of dish is by looking at the pictures in the menu and checking how much of the meat is covered in an ambiguous brown-coloured sauce. If you see pieces of chicken breast all covered in slick, semi-fried semi-gravy-like shells, beware: they put that dish in the menu not because they taste good, but because it’s the only thing that comes into your head when someone mentions Chinese food.
  • While the sweet-and-sour taste may be pleasant, it also contains copious amounts of sugar and emulsifying additives so that the coating would stick to the meat. They are among the most fattening items on the menu – while they may not taste fried, they were fried, then coated with sugar and grease.
  • If you have any sense of self-worth, please, do not order these, even if the Chinese waitress is smiling and pointing at it – in her head she is going “another whitey too scared to order anything else.”

More to come.

How to be a Functioning Adult

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This is you reading this blog. 

 

Follow these simple steps to role-play as a functioning adult:

1 – Always pretend to be busy, even when you have nothing to do.

When answering a phone call from a stranger, pretend that you were irrevocably torn from an important meeting that you simply cannot miss, and let the person on the other end of the line know that they are keeping you from something very important, while never explicitly stating what it is that you are busy with.

When interacting with people of lower social status and/or intelligence, make sure to let them know that by simply taking time out of your busy schedule to interact with them, you are doing them a big favor.

For example: when ordering your medium decaf soy latte with three brown sugars from the good-looking barista, make sure to engage in small talk using leading questions, such as “busy today?” or “had a good weekend?”. The purpose of this is, of course, not to inquire about them, but to have a valid reason to tell them how busy you are today, and how great your weekend hike or kayaking session was.

2 – Assert your dominance in every aspect of conversation, however trivial.

Make sure to bring up any inferior aspects of the person you are interacting with in a casual, jovial manner.

For example, if the person you are interacting with is young, then instead of referring to them by name when doing introductions, call them “young man/lady” or “lad”. When giving compliments to show that you are appreciative of their effort to appease you, make sure to bring it up again, using “good lad” or “good girl”.

If the person you are interacting with looks brown, make sure that, first, you are white, and second, before saying anything else you ask them in a casual, jovial manner, “so what’s your background” or “where are you from?”. This way, you at once feign interest in their cultural identity and establish that any discussions henceforth shall be made with their brown-ness in mind.

3 – Selective lying.

In order to impress other adults so that you may extract some material or psychological profit from them, it is necessary to constantly present yourself with a series of half-truths so that you may appear objectively impressive.

For example: when conversing in a casual setting, such as at a bar or a friend’s party, make sure to exaggerate the aspect of your life that you deem impressive.

  • Been to the gym once in the past month? Say that you work out regularly but it is so difficult to find time nowadays.
  • Recently bought an expensive item, such as a house or a car? Make sure to abuse step No. 2, and bring it up in casual conversation. But, in case of encountering someone of higher social status, steer away from explicitly mentioning what it is that you have bought, and instead focus on how hard you’ve worked to pay it off.
  • Currently engaged in a long-term relationship? Make sure to constantly self-reinforce the idea that you are happy; however, if discussing this with an individual you deem sexually attractive, slip in subtle hints that you are not. For example, when asked the question of “so, had a good weekend?” by a cute coworker, it is best to respond with “yeah, went sky-diving with my girlfriend. She hated it though.”

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but serves as a basic outline for what you should be aiming for if you want to be perceived as a functioning adult.

More to come.

How to Use Toilet Paper

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Don’t be banal, try some anal.

Apart from ritualistic human sacrifice, there is one thing that unites us all regardless of race or gender: the sublime pleasure of healthy bowel movements. Butt, it is what comes after said movements that segregates the known world; specifically, the use of the bidet versus old-fashioned toilet paper.

When visiting uncivilized parts of the world – such as Australia – one who is used to using the bidet (or an electronic equivalent) to wash one’s butt must be acclimatized to the act of rubbing flimsy paper against one’s butt. Primitively simple at first glance, there are several ways to mess this up:

  • Toilet paper – especially those available in public restrooms – are easy to tear. If pressure is improperly applied, one may find oneself unintentionally breaching that thin barrier between dignity and regret.
  • Using toilet paper is wasteful by definition – young pine trees do not grow up just so they can be rubbed against a mammal’s butt. Conservative-minded individuals might attempt to minimize waste by using as few sheets as possible when wiping, but such is not the way for an amateur, lest the highly absorbent nature of toilet paper catches one off-guard.
  • One may be displeased with coming in close contact with one’s secretion, even though properly executed rubbing one’s butt with toilet paper is fairly sanitary. If the thought of bringing one’s hand so close to one’s butt elicits reluctance, think of it like this: if one is capable of handling genitals and associated bodily fluids with zealous enthusiasm, one can overcome the fear of shits.

Now, onto the execution. For one who is inexperienced in using toilet paper, it is best to give oneself plenty of leeway – in other words, a large factor of safety.

  • Use plenty of sheets. Don’t worry about killing millions of trees – they weren’t doing anything useful anyway. Might as well be applied to your butt.

Tearing the sheets may be one of the worst outcomes. In order to avoid this, make sure to:

  • Fold the sheets. Double the safety factor with every fold, at the cost of precision in execution.
  • Apply pressure evenly. This may in involve using more than two fingers. Remember that toilet paper is highly absorbent, so a sensation of slight wetness at one’s fingertips is quite normal. Stickiness, on the other hand, is not.
  • Inexperienced individuals should not attempt the frugal approach, that of refolding and reapplying the same sheets for the second, or even the third time. This advanced technique halves the available contact area, and makes subsequent rubbings more prone to unwanted contact.

There are alternatives to the “simple folded” approach. Namely, the “scrunch” method.

  • By bunching toilet paper into a penetrative ball of absorbency, one is able to achieve very effective wipes while maintaining a high safety factor and good precision.
  • However, in much of the developing world, toilet drains are not as robust as one might come to expect. The scrunch technique, while easy on the user, is as cruel to drains as thinking is to people who enjoy reading Eragon. Therefore it is not recommended to scrunch while staying with a shady Airbnb in rural Pakistan.
  • That said, if one will only be using such a drain once or twice, feel free to throw whatever one feels like into the toilet. Cleaning it out will be the next person’s problem; don’t let inconveniencing other people get in the way of petty assholery.

Hope this guide was of some use. User discretion is advised when applying the above advice in practice.

Pleasant excretions.