Ever went to a gathering and thought to yourself, ‘holy shit everyone here is dumb as bricks’?
Ever engaged in a conversation, only for the other person to casually mention ‘oh yeah I hate that gays are getting married now’ or ‘these greedy Asians are buying up our country’?
Ever seen people repeatedly fail at something absurd, like failing to insert memes into a business document, or Photoshop their face until it looks like something out of Splice then be dumb enough to post it in public?
So many questions arise – why can’t you insert a picture properly? Why are you putting in memes? Why do you choose pepe over spongebob? Why are you putting hamster filters on your face? Why do you think it makes you look cute when it makes it you look like a Zootopia character that was moulded with runny playdough?
And above all: why do these stupid people even exist? Darwin wtf!
Naturally, you refrain from ever coming in contact with these inferior individuals – ‘talking to them kills my brain cells’, you think to yourself, ‘and I am an intellectual. I am objectively smart and therefore a superior human bean and have no need of them.’
But conversation often cannot be avoided. It could be that they might offer you some benefit, like free gift vouchers or a trillion-dollar trans-Pacific trade agreement. Or it could be that they are insanely attractive, and you simply want to get into their pants.
In any case, you find yourself having to talk to someone extremely stupid.
What do you do?
Here is a simple, step-by-step guide provided for your convenience:
1 – Before engaging in conversation, find a private, out-of-sight area. Then, remove your pants and underwear. Then, carefully as to not cause inflammation of the ego, remove the stick up your ass. Lubricate as needed.
2 – Contrary to popular belief, positive communication is often devoid of self-congratulatory remarks, casual condescension, and/or passive-aggressive overtones. Avoid statements such as:
a. ‘I’m no expert but [insert self-congratulatory remark disguised as facts here]’;
b. ‘I know for a fact that [insert fact here] and the fact that you do not know this fact implies that you are stupid’, and;
c. ‘I think that [insert personal opinion here] and because I am smart, my opinion is legit and not complete bullshit’.
3 – Stay on topic. Remember, the point of the conversation is to discuss an issue, not to compete for the Who-Is-The-Smartest-Out-Of-The-Two-Of-Us prize.
4 – There will come a time when you feel an urge to spout some overcomplicated jargon on a legitimately complex issue. Remember: you are not writing a thesis, and therefore you do not need to talk like a professor. To do so in a casual conversation breaks every tenet in Step-2 of this guide.
5 – Acknowledge that there indeed exist different levels of intellect, and therefore differing levels of understanding on certain topics. To pretend that everyone is capable of understanding everything is fanciful, and will elicit only frustration – i.e. ‘Wtf it’s such a simple issue why can’t you get it like I do?!’ When you feel such a response is imminent, retreat to the nearest private location and check for foreign objects up your ass.
6 – Often – more often than you can imagine – you are the stupid one in the conversation. This fact should be immediately apparent, and to challenge it by engaging in a Who-Is-The-Smartest-Out-Of-The-Two-Of-Us contest only cements your position as stupid. Instead, simply follow Step-3 and stay on topic. The smart person will leave you alone quickly enough – this is what you would do too, after all.
After they are gone, feel free to anal yourself for a feel-good moment. You deserve it.