How To Detect Whether You Are Getting Rectally Penetrated

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The world has become a very upsetting place.

There’s climate change, there’s below-inflation wage growth in non-executive positions, there’s militant veganism, there’s over-proliferation of cafeinated high-sugar high-acidity beverages in the modern consumerist society, there’s kids trapped in caves, kids in detention, kids not getting vaccinated, vaccines getting overtaken by superviruses, idiot drivers overtaking semis on the highway and getting totalled resulting in three-hour traffic jams, and pants that for some reason accentuate the asscrack as a part of their design.

Upsetting news reaches their audience very easily nowadays, and consequently there are a lot of upset people everywhere. In this atmosphere of low-level chaos, it is very easy to get unwittingly analled.

For example, some guy said something on TV and now you are upset, Then, some kids get stuck in some cave and now you are upset, then Iron Man showed up to save them in a phallic submarine and you are happy.

There is no discernable difference in the presentation of these fun, interactive events and collapsing ice shelves – after all, they all happen somewhere far away, unable to effect your life in any way.

And of course, there is no real difference, surely, between being upset about some orange dudes lying to people, and freshly revised tax laws in your own that furthers the wage growth gap between high and low income earners.

Since you are equally upset about these events they must be equivalents: kids trapped in a cave = bye iceshelf = me upset, some guy being rude = stilted tax rules = me angry.

Sure, except one anals you and one doesn’t.

Unsuspecting rectal penetration becomes a lot easier to detect when you diligently decide what to be upset about. Foreign kids in a cave? eh. Illegal immigrant kids? eh, not really. But why not really? Because your own kids, currently, cannot afford a quality education, and as a result you really don’t have to energy to worry about other peoples’ kids, so you just do some moral posturing and get on with it.

Upsetting, isn’t it, to not genuinely care about tens of thousands of displaced children? You will find that, once you are no longer being analed by a hyper-inflated for-profits education system that aims to make money instead of properly educate your own children, you are much more likely to care about other peoples’ kids.

So please, identify what’s analling you and let the rest go…for now. Get that unwanted phallus out of your ass first, be upset about Kylie Jenner not having a billion dollars later.

 

 

 

 

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How To Win Bigly And Be Best

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I mean look, you got, what, fifty years of life ahead of you, and that’s long, very long – according to some people, according to other people, not so long – and when you have that long, and again, I’m saying it, because I know I’ve lived for a long time, longer than anyone alive, except maybe Jesus, but longer than a lot of people, so I know what I’m talking about, OK? I know what I’m talking about. When I talk about stuff – and I talk about stuff all the time, unlike what some would call ‘fake people’ would tell me, no no, Mr. Bigshot you lie you lie all the time – and I tell you what, ‘fake people’, I don’t lie. I don’t lie. I never ever, lie, like, ever, OK? so believe me, I know what I’m talking about, believe me. When you have done what I’ve done, and is as rich and wealthy and powerful as I am, OK, then you know you are best. The best, folks. The best. Only, the best. And I am best because, first of all, let me just say just because I am best doesn’t mean you can’t be best, too, alright? You can be best, you can be best, everyone can be best, because that’s good, you know, that’s a very, very good thing we have here, so it is hard, to not be best when, like, you are surrounded by all these wonderful, wonderful people, who, by the way, are much better than the ‘fake’ people that you see on TV that always say, blah blah you are not best blah blah you are all losers, because you’re not losers, OK? you are not losers. Well, OK, some of you are but that’s OK, that’s OK, and if some of you are not, that’s OK too. We’ll just have to see what happens. But When you have what I call losers – you know I came up with that word, ‘losers’, it’s a great word, very…very good word, I think – and you know, they always say stuff like, ‘oh no you can’t do that, that’s not good’, but you know what? Just do it, OK. Just do it. When you are rich they let you do it, and you just do it, you don’t even ask. And that’s how you win, folks. That’s how you win. We are gonna win so big and hard you’re gonna say, ‘oh please stop, this is so much winning, I can’t handle all this winning anymore’, OK folks? So believe me, I know what I’m talking about. I’m a winner, OK. I just win win win all the time, I can’t stop winning. And you know, sometimes, you don’t win, OK? Sometimes when it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. But yes, you know, I am a winner, so I often win all the time so it

[…. should probably stop this here]

How To Be Attractive

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People be saying to me, all the time, ‘damn dude, how you gon be so good-lookin and hyper-sexy all the time, what’s the deal brah?’ And I, the physical manifestation of humanity at its absolute zenith, always hit them back with a casual, nonchalant, ‘nah bro, you just ugly.’

Hyperbolic nonsense notwithstanding, here are three easy steps you can take to become more attractive:

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  1. Three times a week, board an old old wooden ship, and write on the cabin wall the following words in 16-point Comic Sans:

‘Just Because I Swore To Father No Children Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Do My Aunt.’

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2. Whenever you find yourself accidentally masturbating, hold up a mirror against your face and mutter the following words under your breath for a total of six seconds:

‘I don’t have money… but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long period of unemployment. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my neckbeard go now, that will be the end of it – I will not look for you, I will not pursue you… but if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you… and I will be fabulous.’

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3. If by now you are still not attractive, worry not. Simply buy a business class ticket to Japan and say the following to the clerk of the first convenient store you walk into:

‘石室诗士施氏,嗜狮,誓食十狮。氏时时适市视狮。十时,适十狮适市。是时,适施氏适市。施氏视是十狮,恃矢势,使是十狮逝世。氏拾是十狮尸,适石室。石室湿,氏使侍拭石室。石室拭,氏始试食是十狮尸。食时,始识是十狮尸,实十石狮尸。试释是事.’

 

More amazing tips to come!

 

 

How To Forget

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You are lying in bed, wide awake at 2am. You recall that on your plane trip earlier today, when the hostess asked whether you’d like chicken or fish for dinner, you, after four seconds of pensive silence (which is probably too long) and still unable to make up your mind due to giving exactly zero shits, give the answer of ‘chifishsehsch’ because you tried to say two words at the same time.

This response elicited a raised eyebrow and a slightly slackened jaw from the hostess – commonly known as the ‘Are-You-Retarded’ look – which had seemed amusing at first, but now, alone in the darkness and smelling the musty poorly-maintained aircon, you finally realise that, yes, dying of aerotic asphyxiation would be preferable to having to remember this brief yet excruciating exchange.

The only way to get over this inredeemable lapse in intelligence is, of course, by going to the convenience store and handing the clerk money, receive a confused look, then hand over increasingly enormous denominations until you realise you’ve been giving them the wrong currency.

You have now successfully forgotten the previous incident by starting a new one, kind of like putting a tattoo on top of an existing tattoo to make it uglier, or like electing a Liberal candidate to office thinking that it’ll improve things when you yourself have not improved in five years and still do the same thing every day every year and complain about the lack of real change.

Wait, what was the point of this blog again? Kinda forgot.

 

How to Ignore People

 

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You, looking for friends.

 

Do you have a neckbeard admirer?

Does the success of your once close friends make hair fall out of your scalp before the age of 30?

Want to organize a party, but worried that a few individuals that you hung with in your couch-slumming weed-smoking KFC-eating cat-hoarding years might turn up and eat all your food?

Worry not my friends – just follow these simple steps, and you too can always enjoy the friendly company of people who think and talk and behave exactly like you.

 

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Mmm…stringy.

 

1 – Be like water, not cheese.

Stringing people along is the worst thing you can do.

If you smile amicably and nod when the fat guy with strong BO that you know from your previous place of employment invites himself to your party, chances are he will attend all your subsequent parties for the next 5 years.

On the same note, if someone you don’t give two shits about keeps asking you to attend miscellaneous activities that you typically associate with words such as ‘friends’ or ‘good company’ or ‘yeah sounds fun’, don’t act polite and say yes even though you want to say no.

Instead, just say no. Outright reject them.

When you pour water onto the ground and savagely set fire to it, it wouldn’t mind; it would just evaporate and be gone before you know it; but if you pour hot cheese, not only will it stick to your skin, your underwear, your figurine collection, your precious time, and your tarnished pride, it will also spontaneously combust.

Don’t be stringy cheese. Be like water.

 

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2 – Be a dick and a sadist.

The biggest barrier to saying no is, of course, not wanting to sound like a dick/stuck-up bitch.

What you fail to realize it, if you are a dick, it is much easier to hide the fact in a two-minute Messenger conversation that ends with ‘sorry, I don’t want to’, than having to endure an entire day/night in the same room as them, trying your hardest not to be a dick.

It will be a miserable time for both of you.

Instead, simply make it clear that you don’t want their company – without resorting to personal insults, of course. It is much better to offend them for ten seconds by saying no than it is to clearly express your severe dislike of their presence throughout the entire party/date/time together.

Don’t worry about hurting their feelings. You don’t really care.

In fact, cleanly and respectably rejecting someone will make them feel better in the long run, since you are eliminating their uncertainty, and there is nothing that stresses people out more than waiting for a yes/no that might never come. No one wants to deal with that shit.

So be a dick, and hurt their feelings a little bit.

(Unless they are serial-killer type stalkers, in which case you should purchase an illegal firearm and adopt a bulldog).

 

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Some guy.

3 – Be like Hannibal crossing the Alps, not Justinian I retaking Rome.

If you don’t like someone now, chances are you’ll never like them. Despite what people tell themselves, our impressions of others are formed quickly and firmly and are not likely to change from additional information.

Don’t waste your time thinking, ‘welllll I don’t really want to know this guy, but he might come in useful later, so it might be best to keep him around.’

Remember, Hannibal didn’t terrorize Rome by going ‘welllll I don’t really think I can conquer Italy, so I think I’ll leave a way out, just in case.’ If he did that, not only would he have lost every battle, the Romans would never have respected him.

That’s right, you can hate someone’s guts yet retain the ability to treat them like a capable human being. In fact, it is more likely to get a favor from someone who hates you but respects you, than from one whom you have little respect for yet is always hanging around.

Remember, Justinian I’s Roman Empire was not real. Just because you are sitting on Italy doesn’t mean you own it. In fact, instead of using brute conquest, if he exerted Byzantine’s power through diplomacy, when all the barbarians were fighting amongst themselves, he would’ve achieve the same thing, if not more. Instead, he conquered a piece of nostalgia to make himself feel good, and pushed his prosperous empire into centuries of war.

So the next time you think of going out of your way to get close to someone that you have no reason to, remember: Rome was sacked 12 times in a hundred years. That beautiful utopia exists only in your head.

Don’ Care, I’m Exhausted

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zzz

After an exhausting week at work, you come home at 11:32pm on the Friday night smelling like cheap pints and nutty sweat. Kicking off your work shoes as if they are slices of old margarita pizza stuck to your soles, you stumble over to the fridge to look for the leftover pasta. Turns out the fridge is empty – you ate the pasta for lunch today, since one small latte for breakfast doesn’t really carry you through the day – and you’ll have to sleep hungry.

The thought of having to make a run to the store terrifies you. Nothing is open, which means it’ll have to wait until tomorrow, but you were planning to stay cooped up in your bed all day browsing Reddit and eating pasta, and going out would mess majorly with that plan.

Desperate to avoid such a catastrophe, you yank all the cupboards open looking for the emergency muesli bar stash. But all the boxes are empty. You ate the last one last week and hadn’t replenished the stock.

Tea, then. Just tea. You still have teabags, since teabags are what you always buy despite already having four different kinds sitting on the kitchen counter. You brew yourself a cup of gingery lemongrass. It takes one sip for you to realise that all the delicious antioxidants are only making you hungrier. So you pour the rest down the drain.

Time to sleep.

2pm wake-up tomorrow. Plan: stay in bed and do nothing. Same for Sunday, except you’ll have to iron your shirts at some stage, and wash out some socks. You are pretty sure the washing powder’s run out, but one or two rounds of just water washing would probably be OK. If it stinks, it stinks.

You are too tired to care.

Flipping through Facebook in bed, you run into some cute animals, some political message thinly veiled as satire, and some random NGO’s campaign to raise money for some country you don’t care about. Graphic pictures of squalor and violence in some far-off place catches your eye. What a shame, you think to yourself. These people are so unfortunate, having to live like that. Wish someone can do something about it.

Not that you want to press the like button, even though you just liked that meme with the attac and protec – Like one of these, and a dozen more similar ones will pop up, then the whole feed will just be depressing stuff. Looking at memes and cats is just better. You are too tired to care about the other stuff.

Too tired.

You read a status from one of your friends that you used to talk to, and see that they’ve wrote something about marriage equality, and how everyone deserves to be treated with respect. You nod and click like. What a fantastic individual, you think to yourself; they have the energy to care even though they must be so busy with work and study and meme browsing.

Slightly motivated, you try to write a status of your own. Twenty seconds pass; nothing. You don’t want it to be too short – that might make you seem dumb and uninformed – but you also don’t want to put in the effort to make it long and detailed. Only weird unemployed people and political shills put that much energy into a Facebook post, you tell yourself.

So for the next hour, cozied up in smelly blankets and holding an empty teacup, you stare at the tablet screen, flipping through floor is lava memes and liking the ones that have the most likes.

This feels right. This feels like something you want to do after an exhausting week of work. Let the shills and the loud lesbians and the clickbaiters and the Trump haters post their memes. You just want to be entertained without having to think too much, since you are so exhausted.

And hungry.

Ah…why isn’t there pasta in the fridge? There should already be pasta in the fridge. Will someone please bring pasta and put it in the fridge?

Enlightened, you write that as your status – ‘can someone bring me pasta I’m starving’ – and it takes you a total of four seconds. For the next ten minutes you stare at the screen, waiting to see which people you find attractive are liking your status.

A total of two: your aunt and some guy who looks too ugly for you to know who he is.

The lack of attention makes you fume. People should care about stuff more. The lack of pasta is a serious issue! You are literally starving in your bed!

You cannot believe that no one cares. People these days are so apathetic and selfish. All they do is browse memes and watch Youtube. They never care about the real issues that impact the world.

Hmm…

That sounds like another good post.

Motivated, you post it as your new status.

Then you stare at the screen, waiting for the likes to stack up.

How to Get Laid

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Get laid.

This is what you’ve been waiting for.

A decade of browsing quality memes on the interwebs later, you have finally found it: the Holy Grail, the One True Quest, the answer to the sacred question whispered in irreverent whispers by literally every living creature that walks this earth.

Here is the step-by-step guide, navigating through this intangible mire on your behalf so that you don’t have to move an inch from the comfortable nook on your bed, or wash your hands.

How to get laid:

1 – Become a brick.

2 – Use mason lines and a story pole to guide yourself into position. Use a pencil to mark on yourself the exact manner in which you would get laid.

3 – Slather yourself in mortar. Make sure to repeatedly knock yourself on the head to release any air bubbles that may be trapped in the mortar underneath.

4 – Remove excess mortar. Using the sharp end of the trowel, scrape off yourself any excess mortar that spreads beyond your joints. Holding a spade trowel at a 30-degree angle, carve small lines between your genitals and your knees. This will help protect you from the effects of precipitation.

Congratulations! You have now successfully gotten laid. Now go out there and chase your other dreams, like becoming an astronaut or participating in a nude bike ride.