How to Get Laid

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Get laid.

This is what you’ve been waiting for.

A decade of browsing quality memes on the interwebs later, you have finally found it: the Holy Grail, the One True Quest, the answer to the sacred question whispered in irreverent whispers by literally every living creature that walks this earth.

Here is the step-by-step guide, navigating through this intangible mire on your behalf so that you don’t have to move an inch from the comfortable nook on your bed, or wash your hands.

How to get laid:

1 – Become a brick.

2 – Use mason lines and a story pole to guide yourself into position. Use a pencil to mark on yourself the exact manner in which you would get laid.

3 – Slather yourself in mortar. Make sure to repeatedly knock yourself on the head to release any air bubbles that may be trapped in the mortar underneath.

4 – Remove excess mortar. Using the sharp end of the trowel, scrape off yourself any excess mortar that spreads beyond your joints. Holding a spade trowel at a 30-degree angle, carve small lines between your genitals and your knees. This will help protect you from the effects of precipitation.

Congratulations! You have now successfully gotten laid. Now go out there and chase your other dreams, like becoming an astronaut or participating in a nude bike ride.

How to be Happy

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Sometimes, when everyone around you is enjoying themselves, you somehow feel miserable.

Snippets of conversation drift past your fake-attentive ears – “oh this band is great, but have you heard of that band?” – and as you smile back at your friend/colleague/family member, nodding amicably, you wonder what expressions they’d have if you snatched that burrito from their greasy hand and shoved it down their throat, beans and week-old onion bits flying everywhere.

“Shut the fuck up, just stop talking shut the fuck up”, you imagine yourself saying…which is bizarre, because you are not a moody teenager anymore, you are a grown-ass adult, and you are having a silent tantrum when everyone else is having fun.

Why?

The answer is obvious – obvious but complicated, so let’s us an obfuscated and barely relevant metaphor to make it easier to understand:

In your head, there is a constant tug-of-war.

On one side, the side with all the buff dudes and sexy ladies, is a craving to be the center of the universe. “Adore me! Shower me with praises! Give me your undivided attention!” – sings the bright-winged angel sitting on your left shoulder, strumming that dainty little harpsichord.

On the other side, the side of bone-thin zombies posing as people, is an all-consuming shame. “I can’t do shit. Don’t look at me I’m ugly. Stop counting on me I have no idea what I’m doing.” – whispers the immolated demon dangling on your right shoulder, charred skin peeling from its crooked face.

How you feel at any moment depends on which side is winning. For some people, one of these sides is naturally stronger than the other; for others, the two sides go at it with such zealous enthusiasm that the ropes swings back and forth three times a minute.

Being on the angel’s side naturally makes you happy. “Oh boy! They’re all paying attention to me, asking how my day was!” “Oh man I am so important, look at my achievements and my pile of money!” – These are universal feel-good moments.

It is easy to be happy when this side is winning.

Thing is, there is a tug-of-war going on, and this euphoria – while it may last for days, weeks, years even – will eventually fade away. Don’t worry, it’ll come back, but in the meantime you are left some pretty insidious thoughts: how trivial your accomplishments are; how lonely you are, surrounded by hollow friends with whom you only discuss the trending shows on Netflix and nothing else; and how stupid you are, to not have realized how stupid you were all this time…

Can you feel happy when this side is winning?

Yes. Yes you can. Just follow these simple steps:

First, recognize that no one is going to win this tug-of-war, and that it is totally normal to find yourself on the currently losing side.

Second, be cool with it. Laugh. Recognize that your misfortunes are absurd, that the little worker ant minding his own business can sometimes be stepped on by an elephant, and that there really is nothing you can do about it.

Misfortune becomes funny when you are cool with it, because it is utterly absurd how detrimental one bad decision could be.

Misery comes to those who would throw a tantrum at being on the losing side, even if it’s just for a day or two. “Why isn’t my life as perfect as that guy’s?! Why don’t people like me even when I try so hard?! Why can’t I just get lucky and win at life?!” – When you throw these kind of tantrums, you become miserable – because this tug-of-war isn’t something you can influence with determination or perseverance. It just happens.

To be happy is to shrug. It is to shrug at who you are, at the shit that befalls you, at the elephant’s foot that comes down once in a while, and to laugh at them.

It is also fine not to be the center of the universe, once in a while.

How To Make Someone Like You

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Are you Tom Hanks stranded on a deserted island?

Are you the Ron Weasley of the dating world?

Do you have a strange addiction to cheesy romantic comedies because you have never experienced proper relationships?

Fear not my friends – follow this simple 3-step guide and you too can become an anime protagonist who is always mysteriously surrounded by women/men/mermaids/humanoid demons who are attracted to you for no reason!

 

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Step 1 – Brush your teeth

Good oral hygiene is paramount when seeking intimate relationships with another filth-lathered drool-soaked human being.

Remember, when smiling and holding uncomfortably long eye contact with someone, if they turn away in disgust, it’s not your black balaklava or your shredded hoodie, or your brown skin or your neckbeard – it’s your bad breath.

This is the fundamental step, even more important than…

 

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Step 2 – Be Sexy

Very self-explanatory.

Just be sexy. Just do it.

If you can’t you’re a failure in life and should kill yourself.

 

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Step 3 – Make them your slave

If they are not liking you, they are not doing what they are told, and slaves always do what they are told, otherwise you would’ve spent your hard-earned money on a moose or a fleshlight instead.

Insult them. Make them feel bad by becoming a fat alchoholic. Stalk them on social media and post snide sarcastic remarks about their achievements.

“Stupid slave, why can’t you just like me goddamn it” may not come across as very convincing, but add a “I hope you are happy that you’ve ruined my life” and it’s all dandy.

Emojis are very versatile in this respect. Spam that tear-laugh like you mean it.

 

And that’s it! Now go out there and make your conquests!!

 

 

How to be Dominant in Bed

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‘Digging in like a Diglet won’t protect you against my buffed Arboc!!’

 

Tired of always being the bottom?

Scared of growing older than Melisandre without having experienced hardcore BDSM?

Fear not my friends – follow these simple steps to master one’s thirsting flesh, and become the lord of your cushiony domain!

 

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Protection is key to victory.

 

Step 1 – Wear traditional Samurai armour from the Tokugawa Shogunate.

Open exhibition of your physical dominance is key, and nothing screams power and authority louder than a full-body samurai armour crafted from triple-folded steel and inlaid with the fur of the snow fox.

After armouring up and getting into bed, make sure to keep your back straight and sit cross-legged upon the mattress. For even better results, shout at the top of your lungs any of following phrases before performing any bedroom activity:

“Ore sanjou!” – Here I am! Behold me!

“kakatte koi!!” – Come get some!!

“Shinzou wo sasageyo!” – Devote your heart!!!

Instant results guaranteed.

 

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‘I’ve got a bad feeling ab – oops wrong movie.’

Step 2 – Play the Indiana Jones theme song from a surround sound system.

Nothing elevates one’s spirits and libido like the rousing orchestral flourishes of John Williams’ best composition. Beware, however, that one cannot replace this with any of JW’s other works, especially not the Star Wars theme. Playing the Star Wars theme in the bedroom will instantly restore your virginity while simultaneously grant you a magnificent bundle of neckbeard – not recommended.

 

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Smiling always helps.

Step 3 – Pull out your wand and pretend you are a sixth-year from Hogwarts.

First, you must put on the biggest hat you own and loudly declare to all parties present the house to which you belong: Ravenclaw is guaranteed to impress, if not slightly generic and ego-rubbing; Hufflepuff is the most effective form of contraception; Gryffindor is best reserved for solo endeavours, as their members are most likely to be beaten on a broom; and Slytherin is the perfect choice for edgelords and atheists, for they all think themselves cool and progressive while everyone else knows that they are just little pricks.

Second, work on your wand. Since non-verbal spells are not recommended in the bedroom, you must clearly enunciate your choice of charm or enchantment. The following are proven to succeed:

‘Expelliarmus!’ – It instantly disrobes all parties. 0% of the time it works every time.

‘Petrificus Totalus!’ – A versatile enchantment for men.

‘Protego!’ – Effective contraception, as no one will want to sleep with you after you shout this in the bedroom.

 

And there you have it – now go out there and conquer like 13th century Mongolians!

How to Fall in Love

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First, the world loses its colour.

You wonder if life has always been this grey, drenched in a vapor of misery that numbs the skull.

Listless, you carry on as usual, feigning ignorance about the giddy gnawing at the tip of your tongue.

Speaking, you let spill meaninglessness, for what had once held you thrall now seemed like trifles.

‘So…did you read about the…’

The news? Really? Is that what you had wanted to talk about when you opened your mouth?

There is a warmth at the back of your throat. Like the burn of alcohol, only stronger.

Say it.

Say it.

You utter a name.

Magic, this name. It evokes an enchantment that pokes a hole into your chest. A tide of crimson spills forth upon all that you touch and suddenly there is colour, a garish red lining weaved around your fingertips, effervescing into the abyssal grey like so many rays of sun.

With it, a searing emptiness.

Your chest, it burns. You hold your hands against it to staunch the flow, thinking that with pressure this flood will cease, like all the trivial others before it. As your fingers clench tight, there comes a false weight upon your mind, made real by your determination that all wounds can be staunched, if one simply persisted.

Then you notice the colours.

How bright it is, this vivid canvas. It drapes over the grey, shuffling out of sight all that is ugly and cruel. At first you are doubtful, for such an obvious lie could only beguile the foolish, for underneath it the vapidity remains, unchanged by the kaleidoscopic light smeared over its despondent face.

But that’s the thing.

You are foolish.

What an insidious accusation. You rail against it, for you are no fool, and no evocation of a singular name should ever elicit such a flood of torturous rainbows. Colours be damned; let it all be grey, as it ever will be. It is the only world in which you have lived, and no miserly lie can lift you elsewhere.

Fool.

Fool.

This world of colour is what you have always wanted. All along you knew it to be illusory and fickle, and yet you pursued.

Why?

Because it makes the world beautiful.

Speaking again, you relent and let down your clutching hand.

‘Yeah…think I’m in love.’

See? Not so bad is it, being a fool.

For that is what you are.

Yearning to be free of the greyness,

You have fallen in love.

What to Order at a Chinese Restaurant

 

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Ever seen these hung up on hooks at your nearby Chinatown? Be careful if you want to try these. How clean the restaurant looks is often how sanitary the hanging meat is. 

A typical menu at a Chinese restaurant will consist of at least fifty main-dish items. These items may be divided into the following categories:

1 – Dishes that are more or less genuine attempts at recreating a popular recipe (50%). There will be at least a dozen dishes that are ubiquitous in all Chinese restaurants – the equivalent of pepperoni pizzas in all pizzerias.

  • These dishes have an easily identifiable flavor that is pretty much the same everywhere in the world. However, they are almost always heavy on chili and salt, and may contain miscellaneous ingredients (such as black fungi or pig intestines) that may deter the Western palate.
  • If you feel like you are familiar with Asian cuisine, feel free to order one or two of these with plain rice. Look out for “fish-flavored shredded pork”, “Gong Bao Chicken” in the menu – these are usually available.
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Fish-flavored shredded pork. Every restaraunt in China has it on the menu. 

2 – Special “regional” dishes based on the palate of select Chinese provinces, that are also “trademark” dishes for Chinese restaurants that claim to originate from these places (20%). This is where most of the weird stuff on the menu goes, and these may even deter authentic Chinese customers.

 

  • These dishes are usually big-dished and cost 50% more. They often contain everything Westerners fear about Asian food: pig’s foot, curdled duck blood, small intestine of cow, boned eel, whole steamed fish, skewered squib heads, lamb’s head…
  • As a rule, unless they’ve been to Asian countries for extended periods, non-Asians will never order these, which is a shame since all Chinese restaurants put the most amount of effort and high quality ingredients into making these dishes.
  • In larger Chinese restaurants these dishes will often take up entire pages in the menu, with somewhat ridiculous price tags. Don’t order these if you are by yourself; if you are feeling adventurous, go with a friend and get one such dish – it would usually be enough for two.
  • Although many non-spicy dishes exist, most Chinese restaurants in Western countries only offer the spicy variant. Look out for “Sichuan Boiled Fish” or “Mao Xue Wang”. They will come in very large bowls.
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Mao Xue Wang. It has almost all the aforementioned weird stuff in it. Try ordering it if an easily accessible public toilet is nearby.

3 – Then there are the dishes that every Chinese restaurant must put in the menu so uninformed white people can find something comfortable to them (30%). These include plates of shit like “honey chicken” or “lemongrass chicken” or at worst “braised pork belly”.

  • These are not Chinese dishes. These items were created by Westerners to cater to the Western palate. No Chinese customers will ever, ever order these items. In fact, if a white person asks the staff for recommendations, they will point to “honey chicken” without fail, since it is a safe bet that this plate of shit will be meek enough for their delicate palate.
  • An easy way to identify this type of dish is by looking at the pictures in the menu and checking how much of the meat is covered in an ambiguous brown-coloured sauce. If you see pieces of chicken breast all covered in slick, semi-fried semi-gravy-like shells, beware: they put that dish in the menu not because they taste good, but because it’s the only thing that comes into your head when someone mentions Chinese food.
  • While the sweet-and-sour taste may be pleasant, it also contains copious amounts of sugar and emulsifying additives so that the coating would stick to the meat. They are among the most fattening items on the menu – while they may not taste fried, they were fried, then coated with sugar and grease.
  • If you have any sense of self-worth, please, do not order these, even if the Chinese waitress is smiling and pointing at it – in her head she is going “another whitey too scared to order anything else.”

More to come.

How to be a Functioning Adult

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This is you reading this blog. 

 

Follow these simple steps to role-play as a functioning adult:

1 – Always pretend to be busy, even when you have nothing to do.

When answering a phone call from a stranger, pretend that you were irrevocably torn from an important meeting that you simply cannot miss, and let the person on the other end of the line know that they are keeping you from something very important, while never explicitly stating what it is that you are busy with.

When interacting with people of lower social status and/or intelligence, make sure to let them know that by simply taking time out of your busy schedule to interact with them, you are doing them a big favor.

For example: when ordering your medium decaf soy latte with three brown sugars from the good-looking barista, make sure to engage in small talk using leading questions, such as “busy today?” or “had a good weekend?”. The purpose of this is, of course, not to inquire about them, but to have a valid reason to tell them how busy you are today, and how great your weekend hike or kayaking session was.

2 – Assert your dominance in every aspect of conversation, however trivial.

Make sure to bring up any inferior aspects of the person you are interacting with in a casual, jovial manner.

For example, if the person you are interacting with is young, then instead of referring to them by name when doing introductions, call them “young man/lady” or “lad”. When giving compliments to show that you are appreciative of their effort to appease you, make sure to bring it up again, using “good lad” or “good girl”.

If the person you are interacting with looks brown, make sure that, first, you are white, and second, before saying anything else you ask them in a casual, jovial manner, “so what’s your background” or “where are you from?”. This way, you at once feign interest in their cultural identity and establish that any discussions henceforth shall be made with their brown-ness in mind.

3 – Selective lying.

In order to impress other adults so that you may extract some material or psychological profit from them, it is necessary to constantly present yourself with a series of half-truths so that you may appear objectively impressive.

For example: when conversing in a casual setting, such as at a bar or a friend’s party, make sure to exaggerate the aspect of your life that you deem impressive.

  • Been to the gym once in the past month? Say that you work out regularly but it is so difficult to find time nowadays.
  • Recently bought an expensive item, such as a house or a car? Make sure to abuse step No. 2, and bring it up in casual conversation. But, in case of encountering someone of higher social status, steer away from explicitly mentioning what it is that you have bought, and instead focus on how hard you’ve worked to pay it off.
  • Currently engaged in a long-term relationship? Make sure to constantly self-reinforce the idea that you are happy; however, if discussing this with an individual you deem sexually attractive, slip in subtle hints that you are not. For example, when asked the question of “so, had a good weekend?” by a cute coworker, it is best to respond with “yeah, went sky-diving with my girlfriend. She hated it though.”

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but serves as a basic outline for what you should be aiming for if you want to be perceived as a functioning adult.

More to come.