Cool New Business Ideas

  1. A subscription service for new roads.

Don’t let rush hour traffic get you down. Pay a monthly premium for access to an exclusive expressway, built just for you! No more traffic jams, no more police cameras – you drive at the speed you want, when you want to! Choose the ‘Entrepreneur’ package to unlock the overtake lane and complimentary snacks at the toll gate.

2. Euthanasia Agents  

Life getting you down? Contact one of our expert euthanasia agents for a free quote on how much money your family will receive after you voluntarily euthanize! Our premium network of organ and tissue distributors offer above-market rates for hearts, livers, kidneys, and everything in between!

Government contracts available – we offer expert solutions for overpopulation, pension, aged care, and disability support.

3. Personal Public Relations Manager

Afraid of presentations? Suck at interviews? Want to network at a party but don’t know what to say? Hire a Personal PR Manager to interpret for you! Our experience team will release immediate PR statements whenever you say something inappropriate or offensive – on the spot!

Here are a few testimonials from our satisfied customers.

‘I told a racist joke at a party, and the host wanted to kick me out, but my Personal PR Manager stepped in immediately and explained to everyone that they were misinformed about my statements, and that I was an upstanding citizen who has contributed greatly to my local community. Now I am invited to parties every week!’ – Chris, Senior Exec at BHP.

‘My aunt got upset at me for saying I’m glad her husband was dead. Fortunately, my Personal PR Manager explained to her that I was sorry about hurting her feelings, and hoped that we could move toward a more positive, collaborative future. She was so happy she left me ten million dollars in her will! Thanks, Personal PR Manger!’ – Chad, unemployed.

Toxic Positivity

Donald Trump's Worst Offense? Mocking Disabled Reporter, Poll Finds

LinkedIn’s newsfeed is built on the accumulated carcasses of fun team-building shots; a new, environmentally-friendly, corporate initiative; prestigious awards given out by panels of white men.

Highly curated, PR-oriented pieces.

In the comments below, you will inevitably find: ‘great work guys!’ – from Greg, the middle manager; ‘Proud of my team,’ – from the CFO; ‘[mildly funny comment on the awkwardness of a white colleague in a shot]’ – from Kev, the Senior Engineer.

The soft encouragement to have all online interactions be positive is underpinned by the real consequences of negative speech: passed over for a promotion, being laid off, put under government surveillance, etc.

A social structure that rewards positive behavior is neither good nor bad – its flaws come from its discriminatory application in practice.

In your professional environment – or any environment – you will notice that people exhibit negative behaviour all the time – harassment, crassness, racial discrimination, etc.

You will notice that some people get away with behaviors that others would certainly be punished for.

You will notice that, while you, a junior level manager cannot take underskirt pictures of female colleagues in the office, the General Manager not only could, but can show it around the office with impunity.

To market your platform/workplace as a space that promotes positive behavior, then vaguely, selectively punishing some – but not others – that break this rule, voids the validity of your principle.

If you say, ‘a country’s sovereignty is inviolable,’ then proceed to assassinate an Iranian general in a third country, you lose the validity of your statement.

If you say, ‘One Country Two Systems means a strict separation of powers,’ yet one ill-defined law can end it in the span of a month, you lose the validity of your statement.

In all above cases, you reveal that your higher aspirations for a more positive, collaborative environment is nothing but a PR statement.

And when everything is PR, when everything an ordinary person encounters in their life – online, in the workplace, in popular media – ends up being PR – they start to yearn for authenticity in the most despicable of places.

I.e. Donald Trump, an entity that is so clearly, so blatantly not PR, his depravity is entirely authentic, and is therefore exactly what people yearn for.

Modern corporations, countries, and even individuals, love to toot their horn with their positive messaging, and their aspiration for a higher moral purpose. Yet, constantly, their own statements are undermined by their own actions that are predictably contrary to their own stated values.

This double act – this PR-ing of the objective good – is beginning to warp our image of what authenticity is.

What happens if every higher ideal Obama ever spouted suddenly became bullshit? Concentration camps for kids. Tolerance of concentration camps around the world. An economy that works for everyone, yet in 2020 billionaires around the world have increased their wealth by a third while governments continue to shuffle their feet on unemployment?

It corrupts our image of positivity, and begins an association between positive messaging/moral aspirations, with PR. With bullshit.

What happens to a society when it perceives all good moral principles as PR moves, political maneuvering, and bullshit?

We end up watching a presidential debate of two eighty-year-old rich white men ribbing each other on TV.

One is blatantly depraved yet, for the stupid fucking reasons given above, is perceived as ‘authentic’.

The other one has mediocre moral aspirations, yet all anyone sees is ‘PR’ and ‘Political’ stamped on the forehead, because he says PR-sounding things.

This is the world we live in now, and it will only get worse.

Thanks, Obama.