What to Order at a Chinese Restaurant

 

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Ever seen these hung up on hooks at your nearby Chinatown? Be careful if you want to try these. How clean the restaurant looks is often how sanitary the hanging meat is. 

A typical menu at a Chinese restaurant will consist of at least fifty main-dish items. These items may be divided into the following categories:

1 – Dishes that are more or less genuine attempts at recreating a popular recipe (50%). There will be at least a dozen dishes that are ubiquitous in all Chinese restaurants – the equivalent of pepperoni pizzas in all pizzerias.

  • These dishes have an easily identifiable flavor that is pretty much the same everywhere in the world. However, they are almost always heavy on chili and salt, and may contain miscellaneous ingredients (such as black fungi or pig intestines) that may deter the Western palate.
  • If you feel like you are familiar with Asian cuisine, feel free to order one or two of these with plain rice. Look out for “fish-flavored shredded pork”, “Gong Bao Chicken” in the menu – these are usually available.
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Fish-flavored shredded pork. Every restaraunt in China has it on the menu. 

2 – Special “regional” dishes based on the palate of select Chinese provinces, that are also “trademark” dishes for Chinese restaurants that claim to originate from these places (20%). This is where most of the weird stuff on the menu goes, and these may even deter authentic Chinese customers.

 

  • These dishes are usually big-dished and cost 50% more. They often contain everything Westerners fear about Asian food: pig’s foot, curdled duck blood, small intestine of cow, boned eel, whole steamed fish, skewered squib heads, lamb’s head…
  • As a rule, unless they’ve been to Asian countries for extended periods, non-Asians will never order these, which is a shame since all Chinese restaurants put the most amount of effort and high quality ingredients into making these dishes.
  • In larger Chinese restaurants these dishes will often take up entire pages in the menu, with somewhat ridiculous price tags. Don’t order these if you are by yourself; if you are feeling adventurous, go with a friend and get one such dish – it would usually be enough for two.
  • Although many non-spicy dishes exist, most Chinese restaurants in Western countries only offer the spicy variant. Look out for “Sichuan Boiled Fish” or “Mao Xue Wang”. They will come in very large bowls.
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Mao Xue Wang. It has almost all the aforementioned weird stuff in it. Try ordering it if an easily accessible public toilet is nearby.

3 – Then there are the dishes that every Chinese restaurant must put in the menu so uninformed white people can find something comfortable to them (30%). These include plates of shit like “honey chicken” or “lemongrass chicken” or at worst “braised pork belly”.

  • These are not Chinese dishes. These items were created by Westerners to cater to the Western palate. No Chinese customers will ever, ever order these items. In fact, if a white person asks the staff for recommendations, they will point to “honey chicken” without fail, since it is a safe bet that this plate of shit will be meek enough for their delicate palate.
  • An easy way to identify this type of dish is by looking at the pictures in the menu and checking how much of the meat is covered in an ambiguous brown-coloured sauce. If you see pieces of chicken breast all covered in slick, semi-fried semi-gravy-like shells, beware: they put that dish in the menu not because they taste good, but because it’s the only thing that comes into your head when someone mentions Chinese food.
  • While the sweet-and-sour taste may be pleasant, it also contains copious amounts of sugar and emulsifying additives so that the coating would stick to the meat. They are among the most fattening items on the menu – while they may not taste fried, they were fried, then coated with sugar and grease.
  • If you have any sense of self-worth, please, do not order these, even if the Chinese waitress is smiling and pointing at it – in her head she is going “another whitey too scared to order anything else.”

More to come.

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Why Be Asian When You Can Be White?

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Remember him?

Do you remember the one prominent Asian character they had in Doctor Strange, even though the movie’s whole mythos was Asian? Yep, the fat librarian with no hair. That’s the one. What was his name? Can’t remember, but it had to be Wong or Chan or Lee.

That single character embodied literally every single Asian stereotype: physically unattractive, comedic – not by being witty but by having weird quirks (e.g. never laughs), is demonstrably knowledgeable yet appreciated by no one (i.e. delivering lore-heavy exposition so that the white protagonist can mansplain it by saying something like, “you mean we blow it up”), and having a generic monosyllabic name that is really a surname but for some reason all the white people keep calling him by that. Always a Mr. or Dr. before Strange but never before Wong.

(Can’t pronounce Asian names? If you can look at a word like Mjolnir and be like “I can say that”, you can pronounce Asian names.)

Worse still is the movie director’s explanation on the Ancient One being white: “The Ancient One in the comics is a very old American stereotype of what Eastern characters and people are like, and I felt very strongly that we need to avoid those stereotypes at all costs.”

Nice avoidance bro. But the movie needed to make bank in China and having a Tibetan character would be detrimental to said bank-making; in order to avoid that they just made all the important characters be white. Except for the plot expository/comic relief. He could be Asian.

Why is this OK in 2k17?

One reason – people like it. The Asian stereotype, that is. People like it just as much as they like the white savior stereotype – not strictly in the context of movie-making but in general.

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No one watched this movie, but if they did they would remember HER.

Another example: Ghost in the Shell. Truth is, if it weren’t for Scarlett Johansson taking on the role of an established Asian-descent character, the general population would not give a shit about this movie. When was the last time a friend of yours confessed their love of cyberpunk and neo-futuristic existentialism? Right.

But they cast a white Major and suddenly everyone is totally engaged in modern western society’s favourite pastime: white-knighting against discrimination. “Oh how dare they put an attractive white woman in the role of an attractive Asian woman. I’ll have you know that I, as a straight white man who has never watched anything related to Ghost in the Shell but my nerd friend tells me that it’s cool, am offended by this casting. As a show of protest, I shall go watch Dr. Strange and write it glowing review.”

In both cases, the replacement of Asians by pale walkers was done under different reasons: one to be politically correct, the other to draw attention. And frankly, that’s fair enough; these two things are what you need to be successful in western society: not piss off important people, and be famous.

Then we have the Chinese movie, The Great Wall, directed by the guy who made Heroes.

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Thanks for saving China Matt Damon.

Strictly speaking this was not a whitewashed movie, the same way that when the Eight-Nation Alliance sacked Beijing in 1900 and pillaged the whole city, they weren’t doing it because they hated Asians. (You can look that up; western Wikis calls it a “military intervention”, much like how America intervened the shit out of Iraq). Rather, it inevitably became into a whitewash due to the movie being set up that way.

If you could suffer the atrocity of sitting through that shitty slog, you would realize that, yes, Matt Damon wasn’t saving the world. All the Chinese dudes had honour and pride and all that stuff and Matt Damon was just kinda there to dick around and be generally useless; he basically went with the flow and brought his skills to battle, that’s it.

In fact, you could replace Matt Damon with any kind of protagonist and still make the same movie. The whole excuse of him being in China – “need me some dat gunpowder bro” – was such a trivial footnote of the plot that it could have been entirely replaced by literally anything else. Could’ve been an Indian monk looking for lost scripture. Could’ve been an African tribesman looking for a cure to a disease through Chinese medicine. Could’ve been an exiled samurai looking for redemption.

But of course it had to be a white guy; people simply love watching white guys.

The Chinese director casted Matt Damon the same reason Ghost in the Shell casted Scarlett Johansson – so people would watch their movie. Having a white lead makes people watch movies.

What is that if not a white savior complex?

They both could’ve had famous Asian actors, but you just know that western audiences wouldn’t watch them. When was the last time you got excited for a movie with a leading Asian actor? It had Jackie Chan in it, didn’t it?

It did.

So who is really doing the discrimination here?

How to Pick Up Asian Women (abridged)

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Why was the Art of War written by an Asian man?

This may come as a surprise to many, but Asian women were born with a number of situationally powerful traits that, while at first glance may appear to be of trivial application, can have critical impact in certain social, ecological, and psychological scenarios.

To be able to effectively approach and reach non-zero-sum outcomes with these enigmatic individuals, one must first familiarize oneself with key social interaction catalysts unique to their combined ethnic and gender backgrounds, such that the typically desired end-state of such interactions – that which is colloquially known as “picked up” – may be achieved without the need to resort to external endorsements that, intrinsically and inevitably, introduces a time-cumulative chance of catastrophic failure. Discussion of these endorsements – more commonly known as the “sugar daddy” or the “I have a Ferrari” – shall not be made in this article.

One such catalyst, and perhaps the chiefest, is Asian women’s hereditary ability to ingest considerable quantities of spicy or soupy foods in a diverse array of social settings, including but not limited to: in public; in semi-closed system known as “friends and family”; and in strictly two-party closed-system scenarios. While the manifestation this trait is certainly not ubiquitous, for the purposes of this discussion its wide applicability and extreme versatility in practice makes this trait a key determinant in choosing the appropriate pathway to reach the desired end-state in limited-budget scenarios.

Furthermore, the effective accommodation of this trait offers an approachable gateway into the over-arching trait exhibited by most Asian women that, if improperly accounted for, may reduce an individual’s prerogative to continue pursuing the end-state of “picked up”. Exempli Gratia: caution is advised when attempting to generously apply chili paste to noodle soup in a Vietnamese restaurant; there is a high likelihood of failure when demonstrating this skill in front of an Asian woman. In most instances, regardless of age, income, or social status, Asian women are better skilled and more adaptable than the individual at any given task. Keep this in mind at all times, or risk unintentionally terminating all viable pathways to the end-state.

As for proactive measures, the following procedures may be undertaken regardless of any traits an Asian woman might exhibit. In conventional two-party closed-system interactions, an enterprising individual must adhere to the following guidelines when attempting to “pick up”:

  1. Keep a wide base of support. Feet should be shoulder-width apart, with one foot slightly ahead of the other;
  2. Squat down, bending at the hips and knees only. If needed, put one knee to the floor and other knee in front, bent at right angle;
  3. Keep good posture. Look straight ahead, and keep back straight, chest out, and shoulders back.
  4. Slowly pick up the Asian woman by straightening hips and knees. Keep back straight; no twisting during this process.
  5. Hold the Asian woman as close to your body as possible, at the level of your belly button.

 

You have now successfully picked up an Asian woman. (Note: performing the above procedures on an unsuspecting individual may yield results that deviate from the optimal outcome.)

(Disclaimer: the author is not responsible for any undesirable incidents that may arise from following the instructions outlined in this guide.)

How to Be Miserable and White

 

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You after reading this blog.

 

 

Ever thought to yourself, “gee I’ve had such a good day today, I wonder what it’s like to get run over by a truck”? Have you ever wondered, “why can’t everyone be white, middle-class, mentally and physically healthy, and have a steady open-ended career, just like me?”

Fear not my vanilla-flavoured friends. If you find the idea of taking hardcore drugs distasteful, simply follow these simple steps to start feeling depressed and suicidal.

Step 1 – Doing the same thing over and over again. Enjoy watching cat videos? Force yourself to watch fourteen hours of HD 1080p cats on your 42in flat screen TV every day. Enjoy hiking and seeing nature? Go full Bear Grylls and spend a year in the bush with a leaky tent and zero survival skills. Like fancy dinners in pretty dresses? Eat out every day at your favourite restaurant, order the same seafood salad every time, and make sure to wear the exact same dress. This is the quickest and simplest way to ruin everything you have ever enjoyed doing in your neat little life.

Step 2 – Start voicing your honest opinions. See that new Aboriginal employee they just hired because HR has to meet the diversity quota? Start talking to him (of course it’s a him; Aboriginal and a woman? Now that’s a stretch goal) then casually say: “Oh you’re alright, I thought all Arbos were welfare bogans.” Now, make sure to not just think this inside your head every time you see the guy minding his own business; make sure to say it out loud. That way, even though everyone else in the office secretly shares the same sentiment, you’ll still get fired.

Step 3 – Blame yourself for everything. Climate change is happening because you had beans for dinner and now the methane coming out of your ass is destroying the already paper-thin ozone layer. There was another unreported sinking of refugee boats this week because, instead of the champion of social justice you’ve always aspired to be, you became a corporate asskisser just so you could buy the BMW convertible that you’ve always wanted. Who cares if it burns 7L of premium per 100 millimetres; you can pick up women now!!

Feeling down after all that? Don’t worry. Here are two ways you can go back to who you really want to be in no time:

Exit Strategy No. 1 – Become Asian, just like your one Asian friend! If you are Asian, you automatically become successful at whatever task you choose to pursue, simply by virtue of your oriental heritage. Side effects may include: small penis, dying alone, an obsession with kawaii waifus, and having a swimming pool filled with Hong Kong dollars.

Exit Strategy No. 2 – Just do nothing! Because your life is already perfect! You have already achieved everything you’ve ever wanted since high school; your only wish is to watch the next season of Game of Thrones sooner; when you see the suffering of others in the news you feel a fleeting sorrow at those poor souls who weren’t born with white skin in a first-world country, then proceed to watch those cute cat videos you very much enjoy!

And there you have it folks! Now go out there and be miserable you stupid white people!

How to Eat Rice

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This is totally me. I mean, not like you can tell the difference. Cos you white.

White people be like: ‘So, you’re telling me, that an ancient civilisation that existed for over six thousand years, when cultivating a staple food with tiny-ass grains that make toothpicks look big, made a conscious, calculated choice to use two toothpicks as their main culinary tool?! Why can’t they just eat honey chicken instead?!?!?!’

Alas, the wisdom of my ancestors is beyond the comprehension of my obfuscated, anime-addled brain. But their ancient techniques I have learned – as was demanded by my famiry – the chiefest of which being the art of preparing, plating, and consuming rice.

Follow these simple steps, and you too can become an authentic oriental.

Step 1 – Buy a rice cooker from K-mart (or your choice of shitty franchise store). They are literally 10 bucks. Stop trying to cook rice in a saucepan. No authentic oriental ever does that.

Step 2: Wash your rice before cooking. Put it under a running tap – preferably more than one grain at a time – and watch a cloud of white stuff gets mingled in the water. Get rid of that. Use a clean pot of water to cook your rice. Ever noticed how asian restaurant rice is always soft and fluffy? Yeah, it’s because it’s washed. Imagine putting unwashed things in your mouth. Not judging, but ew.

Step 3 – If properly prepared, rice is always sticky when put in a bowl, so you don’t have to pick up the grains one at a time. The wisdom of our ancestors have decreed it so. They have tamed the spirit of the rice using their divine wisdom so that when picked up by a pair of chopsticks, rice will always adhere in a ball of ~50 grains. Or you can be a little bitch and use a spoon.

Now, you are ready.

Go forth, my pale-faced comrades, whose ancestors had for centuries pillaged the wealth and labour of my beloved homeland. Unto you I hold no grudge, only a grim satisfaction as I watch you constantly avoid saying anything remotely racist for the next two hundred years. Go. Eat that rice. Taste the great labour of my great-great-grandfathers and understand that your culinary understanding is but a puny icicle dangling in a Permian glacier.

Eat. Eat and rejoice.