Do you have a neckbeard admirer?
Does the success of your once close friends make hair fall out of your scalp before the age of 30?
Want to organize a party, but worried that a few individuals that you hung with in your couch-slumming weed-smoking KFC-eating cat-hoarding years might turn up and eat all your food?
Worry not my friends – just follow these simple steps, and you too can always enjoy the friendly company of people who think and talk and behave exactly like you.
1 – Be like water, not cheese.
Stringing people along is the worst thing you can do.
If you smile amicably and nod when the fat guy with strong BO that you know from your previous place of employment invites himself to your party, chances are he will attend all your subsequent parties for the next 5 years.
On the same note, if someone you don’t give two shits about keeps asking you to attend miscellaneous activities that you typically associate with words such as ‘friends’ or ‘good company’ or ‘yeah sounds fun’, don’t act polite and say yes even though you want to say no.
Instead, just say no. Outright reject them.
When you pour water onto the ground and savagely set fire to it, it wouldn’t mind; it would just evaporate and be gone before you know it; but if you pour hot cheese, not only will it stick to your skin, your underwear, your figurine collection, your precious time, and your tarnished pride, it will also spontaneously combust.
Don’t be stringy cheese. Be like water.
2 – Be a dick and a sadist.
The biggest barrier to saying no is, of course, not wanting to sound like a dick/stuck-up bitch.
What you fail to realize it, if you are a dick, it is much easier to hide the fact in a two-minute Messenger conversation that ends with ‘sorry, I don’t want to’, than having to endure an entire day/night in the same room as them, trying your hardest not to be a dick.
It will be a miserable time for both of you.
Instead, simply make it clear that you don’t want their company – without resorting to personal insults, of course. It is much better to offend them for ten seconds by saying no than it is to clearly express your severe dislike of their presence throughout the entire party/date/time together.
Don’t worry about hurting their feelings. You don’t really care.
In fact, cleanly and respectably rejecting someone will make them feel better in the long run, since you are eliminating their uncertainty, and there is nothing that stresses people out more than waiting for a yes/no that might never come. No one wants to deal with that shit.
So be a dick, and hurt their feelings a little bit.
(Unless they are serial-killer type stalkers, in which case you should purchase an illegal firearm and adopt a bulldog).
3 – Be like Hannibal crossing the Alps, not Justinian I retaking Rome.
If you don’t like someone now, chances are you’ll never like them. Despite what people tell themselves, our impressions of others are formed quickly and firmly and are not likely to change from additional information.
Don’t waste your time thinking, ‘welllll I don’t really want to know this guy, but he might come in useful later, so it might be best to keep him around.’
Remember, Hannibal didn’t terrorize Rome by going ‘welllll I don’t really think I can conquer Italy, so I think I’ll leave a way out, just in case.’ If he did that, not only would he have lost every battle, the Romans would never have respected him.
That’s right, you can hate someone’s guts yet retain the ability to treat them like a capable human being. In fact, it is more likely to get a favor from someone who hates you but respects you, than from one whom you have little respect for yet is always hanging around.
Remember, Justinian I’s Roman Empire was not real. Just because you are sitting on Italy doesn’t mean you own it. In fact, instead of using brute conquest, if he exerted Byzantine’s power through diplomacy, when all the barbarians were fighting amongst themselves, he would’ve achieve the same thing, if not more. Instead, he conquered a piece of nostalgia to make himself feel good, and pushed his prosperous empire into centuries of war.
So the next time you think of going out of your way to get close to someone that you have no reason to, remember: Rome was sacked 12 times in a hundred years. That beautiful utopia exists only in your head.