Are you Tom Hanks stranded on a deserted island?
Are you the Ron Weasley of the dating world?
Do you have a strange addiction to cheesy romantic comedies because you have never experienced proper relationships?
Fear not my friends – follow this simple 3-step guide and you too can become an anime protagonist who is always mysteriously surrounded by women/men/mermaids/humanoid demons who are attracted to you for no reason!
Step 1 – Brush your teeth
Good oral hygiene is paramount when seeking intimate relationships with another filth-lathered drool-soaked human being.
Remember, when smiling and holding uncomfortably long eye contact with someone, if they turn away in disgust, it’s not your black balaklava or your shredded hoodie, or your brown skin or your neckbeard – it’s your bad breath.
This is the fundamental step, even more important than…
Step 2 – Be Sexy
Just be sexy. Just do it.
If you can’t you’re a failure in life and should kill yourself.
Step 3 – Make them your slave
If they are not liking you, they are not doing what they are told, and slaves always do what they are told, otherwise you would’ve spent your hard-earned money on a moose or a fleshlight instead.
Insult them. Make them feel bad by becoming a fat alchoholic. Stalk them on social media and post snide sarcastic remarks about their achievements.
“Stupid slave, why can’t you just like me goddamn it” may not come across as very convincing, but add a “I hope you are happy that you’ve ruined my life” and it’s all dandy.
Emojis are very versatile in this respect. Spam that tear-laugh like you mean it.
And that’s it! Now go out there and make your conquests!!