Tired of always being the bottom?
Scared of growing older than Melisandre without having experienced hardcore BDSM?
Fear not my friends – follow these simple steps to master one’s thirsting flesh, and become the lord of your cushiony domain!
Step 1 – Wear traditional Samurai armour from the Tokugawa Shogunate.
Open exhibition of your physical dominance is key, and nothing screams power and authority louder than a full-body samurai armour crafted from triple-folded steel and inlaid with the fur of the snow fox.
After armouring up and getting into bed, make sure to keep your back straight and sit cross-legged upon the mattress. For even better results, shout at the top of your lungs any of following phrases before performing any bedroom activity:
“Ore sanjou!” – Here I am! Behold me!
“kakatte koi!!” – Come get some!!
“Shinzou wo sasageyo!” – Devote your heart!!!
Instant results guaranteed.
Step 2 – Play the Indiana Jones theme song from a surround sound system.
Nothing elevates one’s spirits and libido like the rousing orchestral flourishes of John Williams’ best composition. Beware, however, that one cannot replace this with any of JW’s other works, especially not the Star Wars theme. Playing the Star Wars theme in the bedroom will instantly restore your virginity while simultaneously grant you a magnificent bundle of neckbeard – not recommended.
Step 3 – Pull out your wand and pretend you are a sixth-year from Hogwarts.
First, you must put on the biggest hat you own and loudly declare to all parties present the house to which you belong: Ravenclaw is guaranteed to impress, if not slightly generic and ego-rubbing; Hufflepuff is the most effective form of contraception; Gryffindor is best reserved for solo endeavours, as their members are most likely to be beaten on a broom; and Slytherin is the perfect choice for edgelords and atheists, for they all think themselves cool and progressive while everyone else knows that they are just little pricks.
Second, work on your wand. Since non-verbal spells are not recommended in the bedroom, you must clearly enunciate your choice of charm or enchantment. The following are proven to succeed:
‘Expelliarmus!’ – It instantly disrobes all parties. 0% of the time it works every time.
‘Petrificus Totalus!’ – A versatile enchantment for men.
‘Protego!’ – Effective contraception, as no one will want to sleep with you after you shout this in the bedroom.
And there you have it – now go out there and conquer like 13th century Mongolians!