How to Eat Rice

rice farmer.jpeg
This is totally me. I mean, not like you can tell the difference. Cos you white.

White people be like: ‘So, you’re telling me, that an ancient civilisation that existed for over six thousand years, when cultivating a staple food with tiny-ass grains that make toothpicks look big, made a conscious, calculated choice to use two toothpicks as their main culinary tool?! Why can’t they just eat honey chicken instead?!?!?!’

Alas, the wisdom of my ancestors is beyond the comprehension of my obfuscated, anime-addled brain. But their ancient techniques I have learned – as was demanded by my famiry – the chiefest of which being the art of preparing, plating, and consuming rice.

Follow these simple steps, and you too can become an authentic oriental.

Step 1 – Buy a rice cooker from K-mart (or your choice of shitty franchise store). They are literally 10 bucks. Stop trying to cook rice in a saucepan. No authentic oriental ever does that.

Step 2: Wash your rice before cooking. Put it under a running tap – preferably more than one grain at a time – and watch a cloud of white stuff gets mingled in the water. Get rid of that. Use a clean pot of water to cook your rice. Ever noticed how asian restaurant rice is always soft and fluffy? Yeah, it’s because it’s washed. Imagine putting unwashed things in your mouth. Not judging, but ew.

Step 3 – If properly prepared, rice is always sticky when put in a bowl, so you don’t have to pick up the grains one at a time. The wisdom of our ancestors have decreed it so. They have tamed the spirit of the rice using their divine wisdom so that when picked up by a pair of chopsticks, rice will always adhere in a ball of ~50 grains. Or you can be a little bitch and use a spoon.

Now, you are ready.

Go forth, my pale-faced comrades, whose ancestors had for centuries pillaged the wealth and labour of my beloved homeland. Unto you I hold no grudge, only a grim satisfaction as I watch you constantly avoid saying anything remotely racist for the next two hundred years. Go. Eat that rice. Taste the great labour of my great-great-grandfathers and understand that your culinary understanding is but a puny icicle dangling in a Permian glacier.

Eat. Eat and rejoice.


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